The Idler, Monday, March 22

Taxing matters

 

BRITISH government offices do manage to summon up a sense of humour. Here is the reply from the Inland Revenue department to what must have been a rip-snorter from a certain Mr Addison. (Sent in by reader Sakkie Hattingh).

"Dear Mr Addison,

"I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

"Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a 'begging letter'. It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a 'tax demand'. This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

"Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the 'endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat' has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from 'pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers' might indicate that your decision to 'file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies' is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a 'lackwit bumpkin' or, come to that, a 'sodding charity'. More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

"Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay 'go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services', a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to 'stump up for the whole damned party' yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on 'junkets for Bunterish lickspittles' and 'dancing whores' whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, 'that
box-ticking facade of a university system.'

"A couple of technical points arising from direct queries: 1. The reason we don't simply write 'Muggins' on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured that 'sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give' has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer
medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

"I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to 'give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India' you would still owe us the money.

"Please send it to us by Friday.

"Yours sincerely,
"HJ Lee
"Customer Relations."

 

Great reply. And the letter from Mr Addison must have been a humdinger that had them rolling around in the tax office. It's nice to see they take the trouble to reply in kind.

wtw001

Something in common

WHAT do these words have in common: Banana; dresser; grammar; potato; revive; uneven; assess? Look at each word carefully.

It's not that they all have at least two double letters, nor is it the vowel arrangements, tempting though they were at first glance.

In all the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it's the same word.

Hooker invasion

IAN GIBSON, bard of Hillcrest, reflects on the news that hordes of hookers are heading for Durban for the Football World Cup.

A stream of Hookers to invade old Durbs?

To walk our streets and leafy suburbs?

Will the Mayor react

To this challenging fact?

Or leave it to the old colonial nerds?

 

 

Tailpiece

OVERHEARD at an intellectual nudist colony: "Have you read Marx?"

"Yes, it's these darned wicker chairs."

Last word

Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.

Ellen DeGeneres

GRAHAM LINSCOTT