Obituary
that's doing
the rounds
READER Ria Hackland sends in an obituary, attributed to the New York Times:
"Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; And maybe it was my fault.
"Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
"His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
"Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
"Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
"Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
"Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
"Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason.
"He is survived by his five stepbrothers: I Know My Rights; I Want It Now; Someone Else Is To Blame; I'm A Victim; and Pay Me For Doing Nothing.
"Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone."
Actually this obituary has been doing the rounds for years. It has been attributed to the London Times, the New York Times and American humorist George Carlin.
In fact, according to Snopes, it appeared in the Indianapolis Star in 1998, written by Lori Borgman.
It's still doing the rounds. Does it strike a chord?
Tumbleweed 2020
Lonely, but free, I'll be found
Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds …
IT WAS "Tumblegeddon" in Washington state, in the US, as motorists saw in 2020 trapped under piles of tumbleweed 10m high.
A highway near Richland had to be closed as the dry tumbleweeds were blown in on a high wind.
They were so thick on the highway that snowploughs had to be used to clear it, according to Sky News.
"People rang in the New Year trapped under the weeds," said a state trooper.
Tailpiece
ARCHAEOLOGISTS IN THE Negev Desert have discovered an ancient mummy. They've worked out that the individual died 3 000 years ago of heart failure.
How? In his hand was a betting slip: "10 000 shekels on Goliath."
Last word
If the fans don't wanna come out to the ballpark, no one can stop 'em. - Yogi Berra
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