The Idler, Friday, January 3, 2020

Blame it

on the

kangaroos

MUCH of Australia is a terrifying inferno as wildfires sweep through woodland destroying homes and farms, bringing excruciating death to livestock and wildlife, also to humans who are unable to escape the flames.

It's tragedy. It's catastrophe on the widest scale. It's the warnings by scientists over decades now about the effects of climate change, suddenly scripted into a nightmare.

Just about as terrifying is the insistence of Australian prime minister Scott Morrison that climate change has nothing to do with it (quite contrary to the views of the head of fire services in New South Wales, where the blazes are worst). There are other factors, Morrison says.

Yes, I suppose we need to be level-headed about this. Ignore these panicky scientists who don't live in the real world. It's the kangaroos that are at fault.

Ever since they took up smoking, the wildfires have spread. Kangaroos are notoriously lax about throwing aside cigarette butts and matches that are still alight. Control the kangaroos' smoking habits and they'll control the wildfires.

Wildfires, hurricanes, floods, polar melting, rising sea levels – it's all happening. You can't blame it only on the kangaroos. The polar bears and seals are also at fault and must take their share of the blame.

Hoo boy!

 

 

Wealth race

JOHANN Rupert has inched ahead of Nicky Oppenheimer as South Africa's richest man, according to the Bloomberg Billionaires List for 2020.

Rupert is worth $7.38 billion (R103.4bn) and Oppenheimer a measly $7.35bn.

Such a contest. It's the kind of thing that keeps you awake at night.

 

 

Humdinger

HERE we go again. The Second Test against the Poms starts at Newlands today. This will be a humdinger, played out to the magnificent Table Mountain backdrop that makes a Newlands Test unique.

Can the Proteas clinch the rubber? Will Vernon Philander go out on a high on his home ground? (And is he really going to retire?)

Expect fireworks. The Poms will by now be rid of the lurgy that plagued them at Centurion. They have everything to play for.

Prediction: This one will go the full five days.

 

 

Shower thoughts

SOME "shower thoughts" from Huffington Post, gathered during that brief interlude where one is cut off from smartphones, social media and TV.

·       They don't let you smile in passport photos because they want you to look the same as when you've been standing in line at customs for an hour.

·       When you're a kid you don't realise you're watching your mum and dad grow up.

·       Pavlov probably thought about his dog every time somebody rang a bell.

·       The syllables in "On your marks, get set, go!" are a countdown.

·       The night before a day off is more satisfying than the actual day off.

·       Monopoly would be more realistic if the person with the most money got to change the rules whenever he liked.

·       An onion is the bass player of food. You would probably not enjoy it solo, but you'd miss it if it wasn't there.

 

Tailpiece

 

A WILD-LOOKING man in Napoleonic costume walks into the psychiatrist's rooms, hand inside his coat..

"Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that. Please lie down on this couch and tell me your problem."

"I have no problem. I'm the Emperor of France. But I'm afraid my wife Josephine has a deep mental problem. She keeps thinking she's Mrs Smith."

Last word

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago. - Bernard Berenson