by her pet
Christmas is coming,
The geese are getting fat,
Please to put a penny
In the old man's hat …
GEESE can be frightening creatures. A gal named Leslie du Preez bought five for her rural smallholding. She had visions of a tranquil sanctuary where animals could roam free. But the geese turned out to be "bastards" in her own words.
"They terrorised us!" she says. "They attacked on sight. We've had to walk around the property with sticks and brooms to fight them off so we can at least get things done."
She posted a desperate ad with a Facebook buy-and-sell group: "We have a small flock of five geese, three males and two females that we need to rehome.
"Warning: They are bastards! The two biggest boys are terrifying and have the courage of a rampaging bull. The two girls and smaller boy are rather sweet.
"If you have a big family and a huge oven I suggest the two big ones make it a Merry Xmas.
"If you are game, put them in your yard for security, bug eating and fertilising purposes. No bastard will ever get past them. Even you will have to invent new ways to fool them.
"They are psycho man! They made me cry!! They have been known to rip tyres off moving cars!!! They have made grown men scream!!!!"
In spite of this recommendation, somebody came and collected the geese. Leslie du Preez can relax.
Where does she have her smallholding? The Karoo? The Western Cape? The KZN Midlands perhaps?
No, Jackie du Preez is in Queensland, Australia, according to Huffington Post. We're not told if she originates from South Africa or is the descendant of some other Huguenot migration.
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties; "There's this great new girlie mag for the married market that's come out. It's fantastic, just like Playboy or Penthouse except it has the same model on the cover and inside on the centrespread, month, after month after month …"
HAVE you ever heard Silent Night played on the bagpipes? You have your chance tomorrow and on Sunday. 1 Medical Battalion Pipe Band will be putting on their annual Carols and Kilts concerts this weekend.
Tomorrow's will be at the Shongweni Farmers' and Craft Market from 4.30 to 6.30pm. Sunday's will be in the Howard College Theatre, UKZN, from 2 to 4pm.
Carols on the bagpipes? Yes, various sets of Christmas tunes can be played on the pipes, says Graeme Fuller, of the Durban Caledonian Society. There will also be non-seasonal items.
"The pipers will combine some tunes with a keyboard, guitars, saxophones and kit drums. In addition, Celtic Heartbeat, our talented local twin dancers, Melissa and Samantha, will perform.
"On Saturday the singers will be Nick Tyler (bass drummer) and Garth Strydom (electric guitarist) and for the Sunday show they will be joined by a barbershop quartet called 4 Wheel Drive, which includes Mark Wood, father of the twin dancers."
Tickets can be bought at the venues or online via www.Quicket.co.za
Bagpipes, carols, saxophones, keyboards, dancers, barbershop quartet – the festive season is upon us.
A KILTED Scotsman, an Essex girl and a Martian walk into a bar.
The landlord looks up and says: "What the heck is this? Some kind of joke?"
No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.