Thursday, December 20, 2018

The Ideler, Friday, December 14, 2018



on high …

TOK-TOKKIE in Alaska … except there they apparently call it "ding dong ditch". Kyle Stultz and his partner, Allie Johnstone, were wakened in the middle of the night in Anchorage by their front doorbell going crazy.

Stultz checked on his dogs and looked out of the door but saw no signs of anything, just a friendly moose hanging about, according to Huffington Post.

"We were thinking kids coming through playing ding dong ditch or maybe a neighbour. We had no idea," Stultz said.

But security footage didn't show the presence of teenage pranksters, missionaries, or even a lost pizza driver. But there was this moose.

And next thing the moose backed up to the door and pressed the bell with his bum. He seemed to enjoy the sound.

As the Scots might say: "Hoots mon, it's a hoose, it's a moose, it's a braw bricht nicht on a moonlicht nicht."


MORE from Rosemarie Jarski's Great British Wit. Topic: Horseracing.

·       Owning a racehorse is probably the most expensive way of getting on to a racecourse for nothing. – Clement Freud

·       One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. – Jeffrey Bernard.

·       I have no intention of watching undersized Englishmen perched on horses with matchstick legs race along courses planned to amuse Nell Gwynn. – Gilbert Harding

·       A real racehorse should have a head like a lady and a behind like a cook. – Jack Leach


AND now some gems of jurisprudence from American court records. The exchanges are between attorney and witness.

·       "What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?"
:He said: 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
"And why did that upset you?"
"My name is Susan!"

·       "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
"Gucci sweats and Reeboks".

·       "Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."

·       "This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?"
"And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
"I forget."
"You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?"

·       "So the date of conception of the baby was August 8?"
"And what were you doing at that time?"
"Getting laid."

·       "Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male or a female?"
"Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male."

·       "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

"No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

·       "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
"All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."

·       "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
"Did you check for blood pressure?"
"Did you check for breathing?"
" No."
"So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
" No."
"How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
"I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?"
"Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law."



THE robber points a gun at the cashier and says: "Give me all the money or you're geography!"

"You mean history?"

"Don't change the subject!"


Last word

After two years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood.

Fred Thompson

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