Script that never made it
A WEEK today, Donald Trump will be sworn in as President of the US. I glance ruefully at a letter from Hollywood Megamovies, dated two years ago
"We like very much the underlying concept of your screenplay, Gone With The Whirlwind. This is obviously wordplay on Margaret Mitchell's Gone With The Wind. We like the parallel with 'Sherman's march to the sea'; the sweeping away of the old slave-owning plantation aristocracy. In your 'March to Washington', it is the sweeping away of the old order senators, congressmen, lobbyists and career bureaucrats.
"We are most impressed with the way, in your script, the whirlwind over Washington morphs into a typhoon that sucks into the air from the swamp below, all those kicking and screaming undesirables. Special Effects could do this brilliantly. You obviously have drawn deeply on that classic, Wizard of Oz.
"However, we regret to say that your plot contains fundamental flaws.
"It is quite impossible that the wife of a former president should contest for the Oval Office. Americans detest dynasticism. They had a close enough call with Bush senior and junior. The idea is preposterous.
"You also have as the other candidate a reality TV figure who also runs casinos and beauty pageants; who has been bankrupt six times and has not paid federal taxes in 20 years. His stated ambition is to build the equivalent of the Great Wall of China along the border with Mexico – and make the Mexican government pay for it. This is totally preposterous. Then you have him winning the Republican nomination and then the presidential election itself. With respect, this is close to the realms of lunacy.
"Then you have this man being sworn in as president while lurid allegations swirl about of his being subject to blackmail by the Russians, due to the existence of compromising bedroom footage. Also, he is virtually accusing his own security establishment of being responsible.
"This is inventive scriptwriting, to be sure, but of course none of it could really happen. In making films, we have to stay within the bounds of possibility. We suggest you revisit your script. Why not make your Democrat candidate a nymphomaniac female vampire who has never been married to a president? Why not make your Republican a zombie or an alien from one of the Outer Galaxies? This avoids the quibbles, it could strike an escapist chord with filmgoers …"
Sigh!
Retirement
A FORMULATION comes this way on the benefits of retirement.
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: Six Saturdays, one Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoelaces.
Obsession
AN ACCOUNT follows of a victim of the obsession with social media.
The cops in Somerset County, Maine, in the US, were searching for Christopher Wallace, a suspect in a burglary. He announced on Snapchat that he was at home, according to AP.
Next thing the cops were at his home. But they couldn't find him. He couldn't resist telling Snapchat how the cops were in his house but he was hiding in a cabinet.
Next a Facebook post by the Somerset County Sheriff's Department: "A search of the kitchen cabinets turned up some food, some pots and pans, and also a pair of feet. The pair of feet just so happened to be attached to a person, and that person was Christopher Wallace. He was removed from the cabinet and placed under arrest."
Tailpiece
THIS fellow is standing at the bar minding his own business when a large, boisterous chick comes up behind, grabs him and says: "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
"Yeah, you gotta pen?"
"Yeah, I gotta pen".
"You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Wham! Stitches.
Last word
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
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