The tough and rumble of life
A WONDERFUL collection of spoonerisms comes this way, expressions by the Rev William Archibald Spooner, who made slips of the tongue an internationally recognised art form
It began when Spooner, an Anglican clergyman, highly-regarded scholar and warden of New College at Oxford University, announced a hymn in chapel. What should have been Conquering Kings Their Titles Take came out as Kinquering Kongs Their Titles Take.
The congregation kept a straight face at that but the spoonerisms soon became a torrent.
At the time of Queen Victoria's jubilee: "Three cheers for our queer old dean".
On a visit to the British fleet at Portsmouth: "The cattleships and bruisers."
Rebuking a student for "Fighting liars in the quadrangle".
Rebuking an entire class for "Hissing my mystery lectures".
Also: "Those girls are sin twisters"; "I was hocked and shorrified"; "We each had tee martoonies";"She joins this club over my bed doddy'; "He rode off on his well-boiled icicle."
Then his classic when a lady had taken his seat in church: "Mardon me, padam, you're occupewing the wrong pie; let me sew you to another sheet."
Spooner died in 1930 at the age of 86, by that time renowned throughout the English-speaking world for his linguistic acrobatics rather than his mystery lectures (which some had unfortunately hissed).
Do we not need a modern-day Spooner to capture the tough and rumble of day to day life in this country? Might whonopoly capital … concession suctest … mactionalism in the fovement …
High seas encounter
A SEGMENT from a Donald Trump nightmare. An American destroyer is on patrol in the Atlantic. It comes across a rowing boat in mid-ocean. The captain gets on the loudhailer: "Ahoy, small craft! Where are you headed?"
A Mexican puts down his oar, stands up and shouts: "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken during the 1800s!"
The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter. The captain catches his breath and gets back on the loudhailer: "Just the four of you?"
"No, we're the last four. The other 12 million are already there!"
Nobody on the destroyer laughed.
Task team
THIS must be one of those government task teams we're always hearing about. A little story comes this way about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Yes, definitely a government task team.
Tailpiece
Her diary:
Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said: "nNthing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say; "I love you too"'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His diary:
A two-foot putt... Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
Last word
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
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