The Bullingdon Club strikes again
NEVER a dull moment in world affairs these days. Hardly has the US settled into what will probably be sullen good manners for the Trump inauguration today when British foreign secretary Boris Johnson re-ignites World War II.
In his plummiest Eton/Oxford/Bullingdon Club tones, Boris the Menace goes on record comparing Britain's leaving the European Union with those classic escapes from the Nazi POW camps – punishment beatings and all – in the movies he so much enjoyed as a lad.
Ah yes, Stalag 17, The Great Escape, The Wooden Horse – all those dumb Krauts. Those hopelessly disorganised, garlic-eating French resistance characters, couldn't organise a booze-up in a brewery, couldn't rely on 'em even in those days. Yet he even seemed to be calling current French President Francois Hollande a Nazi (Got his history a bit mixed up there).
It's caused absolute fury in Europe. Not a great start to negotiations on Brexit.
What lies behind this? Does Boris feel The Donald has been attracting more than his fair share of the limelight with his tweets? Will The Donald get ahead again with further tweets later on tonight?
Or is this just the Bullingdon Club talking? The Bullingdon Club – fruity-voiced elite yobboes who went to Oxford - specialises in wrecking restaurants at its get-togethers. Have they now branched into international diplomacy?
You couldn't make it up. Future study of the history of our times will be complex and challenging. Alexander the Great, Napoleon and Bismarck did not behave this way. Maybe we need to develop a computer programme that makes sense of the data fed in. That programme could be based on observation of school playgrounds.
Trigonometric …
ROB Nicolai, Howick's resident theoretical physicist, has now broadened his activities by becoming a cricketing trigonometric alignment authority. He addresses himself to Cricket SA on how they ought to treat AB de Villiers.
"After losing Abbott and Rossouw to overseas contracts, please listen carefully, I shall try using small words to make this clear: You simply cannot play hardball with AB de Villiers who only wants to be in top form for the 2019 World Cup.
"AB is recovering from an elbow injury and if he will be better rested and prepared for the World Cup, please let him.
"Surely you know that AB could easily get a contract with virtually any team that offers him a better deal and without AB our chances of winning are less in ODI cricket. Or does CSA wish to chase more top players offshore to make 'transformation' easier?
"If AB is not accommodated for the 2019 World Cup and we do not win, cricket sponsorship and support will falter and it may take ages to recover from. CSA officials will probably lose their jobs and more players may be permanently lost so please do the basic maths.
"Excluding AB from the Proteas on purpose is like not allowing Chuck Norris to fight in a war!"
You tangle at your peril with a trigonometric alignment authority.
Seenager
A READER says he's just discovered he's a seenager – senior teenager. He says he has all the things he wanted as a teenager, only 50 or 60 years later.
"I don't have to go to school or work.
"I get an allowance every month.
"I have my own pad.
"I don't have a curfew.
"I have a driver's licence and my own car.
"I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store.
"The girls I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
"And I don't have acne."
Tailpiece
A SCOUSER (inhabitant of Liverpool) walks into the local job centre. He marches up to the counter and says: "Hi, I'm looking for a job. I'm serious. I'm ready to try anything."
The man behind the counter replies "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200 000 a year."
Scouser: "You're kidding me!"
Man behind the counter: "Well, you started it."
Last word
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
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