Machiavellian intrigue
HERE'S an intrigue worthy of Machiavelli. James Parker leaves for England today for an indeterminate stay, having last week won the scholtzim competition – 100-word short stories – at St Clement's. He bade us an emotional farewell as he accepted the award. Title of his winning entry (which we published): Machiavelli.
Now the intrigue. Pieter Scholtz, who organises the thing, received six entries in a writing style so similar to James's that he presumed this was an additional entry from him, under a nom de plume.
But when he replied by e-mail in that vein, he received a plaintive reply from one Andrew Campbell-Kearsey, saying he does indeed exist and lives in England.
Campbell-Kearsey's scholtzim were read this week. Here goes with "Graveside Manners":
"The unexpected sound caught my attention. A woman was kneeling in front of a grave stone. She'd opened a can of beer. I thought it an unusual position and location to quench her thirst. However, she continued to upturn the can and deliberately poured its contents over the headstone. I stood respectfully ten yards behind her and overheard her saying, 'Here's to you Dad'. It was a touching scene.
"She then produced a thick marker pen and began writing in angry block capitals over the inscription. I didn't have the heart to tell her there's only one 'R' in bastard."
Then "Perfect Evening":
"The reassuring sound of the cork popping doesn't interrupt our laughter. We lick our fingers as the champagne overflows. We don't waste a drop. Its golden effervescence is intoxicating. What a wonderful way to celebrate our news. Moving in together is a big step but it's the right decision. Only three months since we met, but sometimes you just know. We've only unpacked two glasses, a blanket to cover the floorboards and her iPod. What more do we need? I don't know why she was so keen for us to draw up new wills.
"Funny, my drink tastes of almonds."
Hey, great stuff! James promises to make contact with Andrew Campbell-Kearsey in England (That's presuming they're not one and the same person – not everyone is convinced).
Scorpion scare
STUDENT Vicky Raitt, of Aberdeen, Scotland, woke up in the morning to find an 8cm Asian scorpion on her pillow, it's tail raised threateningly. She rolled away and ran to the kitchen for a plastic tub to capture it.
Was she dismayed? Not really. Vicky is a zoology student and she had just returned from a trip to Borneo. The Asian forest scorpion must have stowed away in her suitcase and been in the flat for five days before showing itself.
It's not every day that a field trip follows you home.
Pub mascot?
A RED PANDA disappeared mysteriously from his cage in a Washington zoo and was eventually found up a tree in what is described as a vibrant restaurant and nightlife district.
Officials at the Smithsonian National Zoological Park are unable to work how he got out of his cage. They suspect he might have been deliberately taken by a human.
A good line of inquiry would be to look for a place in that vibrant restaurant/nightlife district called The Red Panda. That's so perfect a pub/restaurant/club name and the missing panda would have been the perfect mascot.
Red pandas are an entirely different species from the familiar black and white one, though both are native to China.
See you at The Red Panda!
Intergalactic Olympics?
THE ANCIENT Greeks could hardly have dreamed of this. The Olympic torch is to travel in space later this year, ahead of the Sochi 2014 Winter Games at Sochi, Russia.
Russia is to send the torch to the International Space Station on board the Soyuz TMA-11M manned spaceship in early November as part of a record-breaking relay.
Once in space, Russian cosmonauts Sergei Ryazansky and Oleg Kotov will take the torch on a spacewalk - the flame will not be lit during the trip.
Yes, obviously it couldn't burn without oxygen. Is this the start of the Olympics going inter-galactic?
Tailpiece
"YOU ALWAYS seem to go out on your own. I thought you had a boyfriend?"
"I do, but he's moved far away."
"That must be tough."
"It is. The hardest part was persuading him to move far away."
Last word
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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