Our warthog terror
THESE Kruger Park animals are getting out of hand. Last week on our front page we had a picture of an impala jumping into an SUV to escape two pursuing cheetahs. And now information comes to hand of a mother and her daughter being terrorised by warthogs at Skukuza.
Lindy Bircher and her daughter Megan, 12, were walking back to the campsite from the shops when suddenly they were charged by three ferocious warthogs. They shinned up the nearest available tree to escape – a not very substantial tree – and clung there desperately while the warthogs cavorted about the base.
Lindy spotted a woman on the porch of a nearby cottage and called to her for help. But this was not forthcoming. In fact the heartless woman appeared to be helpless with laughter.
The warthogs eventually trotted away and Lindy and Megan climbed down, shaken.
But suddenly the warthogs were back, charging ferociously again. And it was then that Lindy noticed they were actually chasing a tennis ball that had been thrown for them by one of the cottagers.
It turns out that these warthogs are actually as tame as dogs and possibly think they are dogs. They are part of the Skukuza village scene.
Next we'll be told the impala was actually playing tag with the cheetahs and it jumped into the Toyota Prado because it wanted to compare its interior with that of the Land Rover, with which it is more familiar.
Yes, these Kruger Park animals are getting out of hand. Familiarity breeds contempt.
Swansong
MENTION of the Swan pleasure boat on the Umgeni reminds Patrick Coyne of a story concerning Lauritz Melchior, a famous Danish tenor of the 1920s, 1930s and 1940s.
"As Wagner's opera Lohengrin drew to its close, an enormous swan glided on to the stage to take the hero to rejoin the fellowship of the Knights of the Holy Grail. At least that was the plan.
"On this occasion, the backstage staff controlling the swan were too efficient. No sooner had the swan appeared, than it disappeared back into the wings, leaving Melchior stranded.
"Unfazed, Melchior strolled downstage, took out his pocket watch, and said to the audience: 'Excuse me, can you tell me when the next swan leaves?'"
Quotable quote
MY OLD SCHOOLMATE, Tim Blankley, supplies what has to be quote of the week. Listening to a radio report about the Cape Town excrement-throwers, he noted their statement that "they will not be deterred".
He also supplies an anecdote concerning comic writer Tom Sharpe, who died in Spain a few weeks ago, aged 84. His early books, Riotous Assembly and Indecent Exposure, hilariously satirised South Africa.
Tim says Sharpe taught him English at Cordwalles school, in Maritzburg, and he attributes his enjoyment of books to him. Sharpe was also slightly scatty.
When he somehow failed to put Tim and a schoolmate on the pullman to Durban, he chased it in his car all the way down the main road as far as Field's Hill, which was where Tim lived anyway, so he ended up taking him right home and having lunch with he and his Mum. In fact he'd got ahead of the Pullman without realising, which was why he never caught it.
Yes, Sharpe was by all accounts a nuttily brilliant character. Somehow one feels that wherever he is now, he's busy writing the script for contemporary South Africa.
Hot dawg!
JOEY "Jaws" Chestnut has won his seventh consecutive world hot dog-eating title in New York. He polished off 69 of them in 10 minutes, beating his previous record of 68.
The title is awarded every year in the International Hot Dog Eating Contest on Coney Island.
The 29-year-old Californian now takes home $10 000 (R100 000) and retains the mustard-yellow championship belt.
In the women's division, defending champion Sonya "Black Widow" Thomas narrowly retained her title, defeating Juliet Lee by less than one dog. She ate 36 and three-quarters in 10 minutes to edge out Lee, who managed 36 exactly.
Exciting stuff. I wonder what they all had for supper. Hamburgers maybe?
Tailpiece
VAN DER MERWE sent his photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back, saying they weren't that lonely.
Last word
Behind the phoney tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.
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