Here's the heavy roller
YESTERDAY we looked at the rapier thrusts. Here now is a bit of heavy roller stuff contained in Cassell's Dictionary of Insulting Quotations (compiled by Jonathan Green). It's a column by Cassandra (real name William Connor) in the London Daily Mirror on the arrival in Britain of American pianist/entertainer Liberace in the 1950s.
"He is the summit of sex, the pinnacle of masculine, feminine and neuter. Everything that he, she and it can ever want. I spoke to sad but kindly men on the newspaper who have met every celebrity coming from America for the past 30 years. They say that this deadly, winking, sniggering, snuggling, chromium-plated, scent-impregnated, luminous, quivering, giggling, fruit-flavoured, mincing, ice-covered heap of mother love has had the biggest reception and impact on London since Charlie Chaplin arrived at the same station, Waterloo, on September 12, 1921. This appalling man, and I use the word appalling in no other way than its true sense of terrifying, has hit the country in a way that is as violent as Churchill receiving the cheers on VE Day. He reeks of emetic language that can only make grown men long for a quiet corner, an aspidistra, a handkerchief and the old heave-ho. Without doubt he is the biggest sentimental vomit of all time. Slobbering over his mother, winking at his brother and counting the cash at every second, this superb piece of calculating candyfloss has an answer for every situation."
That's quite a long paragraph. And on second thoughts that's a steamroller rather than just a heavy roller. Cassandra was no fan of Liberace. He gets his point across, methinks. But it cost the Daily Mirror £8 000 in damages for libel (a lot of money in the 50s) and Liberace famously sent Connor a telegram: "What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank."
Back to basics
THE KREMLIN is said to be buying up old typewriters to escape the electronic surveillance capability of the United States. It seems that the revelations of Edward Snowden – who happens to be holed up/stranded in Russia - have scared the pants off them.
Stand by for another Kremlin order for empty jam tins and string. That's the kind of telephone you just can't tap.
And stand by also for yet another style of James Bond movie..
Gangsters' Gazette
JAPAN'S mafia – known as the Yakuza or the Yamaguchi-gumi – has published a members' magazine that includes a poetry page and the fishing diaries of senior gangsters.
The eight-page publication, titled Yamaguchi-gumi Shinpo, is an effort to strengthen unity in the group. Its first front page carries a message by Godfather equivalent Kenichi Shinoda, instructing younger members in the values and disciplines they should observe.
Like the Italian mafia or Chinese triads, the Yakuza engages in activities ranging from gambling, drugs and prostitution to loan sharking, protection rackets, white-collar crime and business through front companies.
The gangs have historically been tolerated by the authorities, although there are periodic clampdowns on some of their activities. Shinoda writes that times have become hard for Japan's mafia and they can no longer rely on profitability.
A Gangsters' Gazette? (Let nobody say anything rude about our own Government Gazette).
Tailpiece
SHE: "Do you drink beer?"
He: "Yes."
She: "How many a day?"
He: "Usually about three."
She: "How much do you pay per beer?"
He: "About R20."
She: "And how long have you been drinking?"
He: "About 20 years, I suppose."
She: "So a beer costs R20 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at R1 800. In one year it would be approximately R21 600 … correct?"
He: "Correct."
She: "If in 1 year you spend R21 600, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at R432 000, correct?"
He: "Correct."
She: "Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?"
He: "Do you drink beer?"
She: "No."
He: "Then where's your Ferrari?"
Last word
You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs. But by standing a flock of sheep in that position you can make a crowd of men.
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