I love you, sweetheart …
THE SEMINAR, the workshop the talkfest – they have become a feature of our lives, a part of our decision-making. If anything presents a challenge, we "workshop" it. The workshop co-ordinator is a powerful figure.
Details come to hand – courtesy of Gerald Sieberhagen, of Umhlanga - of a recent seminar of women who wanted to learn how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.
The women were asked: "How many of you love your husband?" All raised their hands.
Then they were asked: "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, some yesterday, some could not remember.
Then they were told to take out their cellphones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
Then they were told to exchange phones and read aloud the text message responses.
Some of the replies:
· Who is this?
· Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
· I love you too.
· What now? Did you crash the car again?
· I don't understand what you mean?
· What did you do now?
· ?!?
· Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
· Am I dreaming?
· I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
· Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??
Makes ya think
Invective
IS ANYONE annoying you? Needs being put in his place? A book comes this way that is just the thing. The Dictionary of Insulting Quotations, compiled by Jonathan Green (Cassell), contains a range of invective to be adapted to fit any case. Some examples:
· Winston Churchill on Lenin. "It was with a sense of awe that the Germans turned upon Russia the most grisly of all weapons. They transported Lenin in a sealed truck like a plague bacillus from Switzerland into Russia"
· George Bernard Shaw on Queen Victoria. "Nowadays a parlour-maid as ignorant as Queen Victoria was when she came to the throne would be classed as mentally defective."
· Mark Twain on Cecil John Rhodes. "I admire him, I frankly confess it; and when his time comes I will buy a piece of the rope for a keepsake."
Oz intruder
AUSTRALIAN police were stumped by a break-in to a charity shop in Ingham, North Queensland. The intruder had come in through the ceiling, staggered about the place smashing crockery, chundered on the floor – then disappeared.
This was pretty standard Aussie behaviour, but they couldn't work out where he'd got to. It was only a day later that shop staff found the culprit lying against a wall – a huge 5.7m python. He it was who had made like a jolly swagman.
A local snake-catcher was called in and the python, which weighed 17kg and had a head the size of a small dog, was released into a nearby wetland.
Key employee
THE MORE things change, the more they stay the same. Reader Naomi Stapersma recalls a joke from her childhood about the lion that went to the Union Buildings in Pretoria and ate one government employee a day.
"It was only when he inadvertently ate the Tea Lady that there was a hue and cry."
Yep, some things don't change.
Mars shots
MORE shots of an arid, rock-strewn surface as Nasa's Curiosity Mars rover at last begins its drive to Mount Sharp. For a long time now it has been loitering at a place called Yellowknife Bay.
I suppose those Nasa fellows know what they're talking about, but the resemblance to the playing surface of the Griquas rugby field at Kimberley is simply incredible.
Dellville Wood
THIS Sunday is the 97th anniversary of the Battle of Dellville Wood, in which some 2 500 men of the South African First Infantry Brigade died in the Somme offensive of World War I.
To mark the anniversary, the Durban Guild of Bellringers will strike 97 bellstrokes on Number 7 Bell at St Mary's Church, Greyville, starting at 7.45 am.
Every church bell has its unique name and Number 7, St Mary's, is called Dellville Wood, after the battle.
HE'S IN THE restaurant with his girlfriend when suddenly he drops down on one knee.She: "I can't believe this is happening!"He: "Shhh! My wife's just walked in." |
Last word
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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