The Idler, Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Hairy Swedish legs

TRAIN drivers in Sweden have become cross-dressers. Banned by operating company Arriva from wearing shorts in the cab this northern summer, they have taken to skirts, saying the heat becomes unbearable wearing long trousers.

This has thrown Arriva's management into a wobble. In politically correct Sweden nobody would dare banning skirts from anything, So, although hairy-legged drivers in shorts are no longer permitted on the Roslagsbanan line, that links 38 stations around Stockholm, hairy-legged drivers in skirts are OK.

The Stockholm drivers should link up with their counterparts in Glasgow and Edinburgh – maybe even seek affiliation to the Black Watch.

Let the wind blow high, let the wind blow low,

Down the street in ma kilt I go;

The lassies they all shout: 'Heigh-ho!

'Donald, whaur's yer troosers?'

Now say that in Swedish.

Back rowers?

IT'S CURIOUS the way so many sportswriters describe rugby loose forwards as "back rowers" or "the back row". What kind of a row is it when there's only one person in it – the eighth man?

It would have made sense in the days when the scrum had a 3-2-3 formation, not today's 3-4-1. But who' ever seen a 3-2-3 scrum? It was dropped in the 1940s or thereabouts. Flank forwards today are in the second row – alongside the lock forwards – even though their role is entirely different.

Pedantry rules – OK!

 

 

Mynahs awol

READERS will be glad to know that Mutt and Jeff - two Indian mynahs who featured in this column recently having moved in with sometime correspondent Granny Joan - are now back with her, having been awol for a week.

Joan asks also if I am able to supply the words of Saxon White Kessinger's poem, The Indispensable Man. She says she needs it because some of the youngsters at the office where she works are getting a bit big for their boots and need to be put in their place.

So, as a caution to all who might be getting too big for their boots, here goes:

 

Sometime when you're feeling important; Sometime when your ego 's in bloom; Sometime when you take it for granted, You're the best qualified in the room: Sometime when you feel that your going, Would leave an unfillable hole, Just follow these simple instructions, And see how they humble your soul.   Take a bucket and fill it with water, Put your hand in it up to the wrist, Pull it out and the hole that's remaining, Is a measure of how much you'll be missed. You can splash all you wish when you enter, You may stir up the water galore, But stop, and you'll find that in no time, It looks quite the same as before.   The moral of this quaint example, Is to do just the best that you can, Be proud of yourself but remember, There's no indispensable man.

Bad slip

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "I was installing a light bulb in the loft today when I slipped and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It frightened the heck out of my girlfriend – she kicked me out last August."

Impossible omelette

BRITISH TV/music celebrity Simon Cowell was pelted with eggs during the live final of Britain's Got Talent by a viola player who had an issue with him over last year's competition.

Richard and Adam – a Welsh duo - were actually singing their operatic version of The Impossible Dream when viola player Natalie Holt rushed forward and threw several eggs at Cowell. The song continued in spite of it and Richard and Adam were eventually placed third overall.

Hell hath no fury like a viola player scorned.

 

 

 

Tailpiece

A KENTUCKY redneck family are in New York for the first time. They're in a foyer gawping at the workings of a lift.

An old lady rolls up to it in her wheelchair, presses the button and rolls on in when the door opens. They watch the lift's progress, floor to floor, shown in the lights. It goes right to the top. Then it starts coming down again. They watch its progress, floor by floor.

The door opens and a blonde with sensational legs steps out.

Redneck Dad: "Son, push your maw in there - quick!"

Last word

 

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Niels Bohr