The top toe wrestlers
THEY'VE just held the World Toe-Wrestling Championships in a pub in Derbyshire, England. Winner in the men's section was Alan Nash, who has now held the title for 10 years, and in the women's section it was newcomer Rebecca Beech. (Both are from England).
Toe-wrestling is an ancient sport that dates back to the Middle Ages. It was revived in England in 1976. It's a bit like armwrestling, except the contestants sit opposite each other, lock big toes, then twist as hard as they can.
It's best of three – first with the right foot, then with the left, then again with the right if the score is equal.
The competition is held every year at the Bentley Brook Inn, in a place called Fenny Bentley. It attracts a wide field, including overseas entrants, and the proceeds go to charity.
Toe-wrestling needs to be introduced at the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties. The punters would take to it, I'm sure, the gals especially. Already they slip their sandals off and use their strong and sinuously flexible toes to surreptitiously grope at men in a most improper way. Let's channel this into something wholesome.
Thirty-day slap
FORMER American football star Chad Johnson playfully swatted his attorney on the bottom – as footballers routinely do when the other fellow has done something good – but it got him 30 days in jail.
Johnson was expecting to be handed an order for community service plus counselling, under a plea bargain agreement in a domestic violence case in Broward County, Florida. But when Judge Kathleen McHugh asked if he was satisfied with his attorney – and Johnson in reply perfomed the butt-slapping gesture on attorney Adam Swickle – it all unravelled.
The courtroom erupted in laughter and Judge McHugh took umbrage. "Is there something funny about this?"
She rejected the plea bargain and gave Johnson 30 days. He was led away in handcuffs.
Imagine if he'd butt-slapped a female attorney. Do they have the electric chair in Florida?
Termites
AN ELDERLY Chinese woman has had her savings chewed up by termites. She had stowed banknotes worth the equivalent of R630 000 in a wooden drawer in her home, wrapped in a plastic bag.
When she went to draw on her stash, the unnamed lady from the south of China found the termites had got there first and the notes were in tatters.
But this sad little story could have been worse. People at the bank were able, by scanning the fragments, to verify about R525 000 worth, so she lost only about 15% of her savings.
In recent years investors in the West haven't been so lucky. The derivatives sharpsters were worse than any termites.
More termites
THE ABOVE recalls the occasion when Koos van der Merwe had been heavily on the razzle in London and went into yet another pub where he was refused service because he'd already had too much.
"I insist, man! I want a double whisky!"
"I can't serve you, sir. You've had too much already."
At which Koos slowly and deliberately took a matchbox from his pocket and tapped at it. Two white ants fell onto the bar counter.
"Okay, boys – wreck the joint!"
Alarm system
POLICE in Bangkok raided the home of a pet shop owner and found hundreds of birds and animals being kept illegally – including 14 albino lions from Africa.
Also at the house were meerkats, tortoises, peacocks, and monkeys – believed to have been illegally imported – and an indigenous hornbill and indigenous leopard, both of which are protected in Thailand.
That's a pretty noisy and screechy crew; also a pretty scary one. Maybe the pet shop man, who faces 41 charges, will argue that it was only his household alarm and deterrence system.
Tailpiece
CRUSTY old man in bank: "I want to open an account, damnit!"
Female teller: "I beg your pardon, sir?"
Crusty old man: "Open your ears, fathead! I said want to open an account. Bloody hell!"
Teller: "I'm calling the manager. I won't be spoken to like this."
Manager: "Now what seems to be the problem here?"
Crusty old man: "I've just won 50 million bucks on the Lotto and all I want - damnit! – is to open a blasted account."
Manager: "Ah, and this silly bitch is giving you a hard time, right?"
Last word
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
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