Financial rescue package
THE RAND is on the slide. Where does it end? Nobody knows. But a desperate situation demands drastic measures. Surely somebody has the sense to see it's time to bring back pounds, shillings and pence. We need rescuing.
Consider. Before we went decimal, a pint of beer cost one shilling and sixpence – the equivalent of 15 cents. A gallon of petrol (a gallon, mind you, not a litre) cost three shillings and sixpence (35 cents). A mixed grill on the beachfront cost four shillings and sixpence (45 cents). You could take a girl out to dinner for a pound (R2) and be left with some change.
An American president once declared: "What this country needs is a decent ten-cent cigar!"
Well, back in those predecimal days you could get a cigar for a shilling (10 cents). I rest my case.
Old coinage
THE OLD COINAGE had a musicality and a magic. The "d" in £sd stood for "dibilishi", the Zulu word for a penny. Take care of the pennies and the pounds take care of themselves.
Below that were "ufatingi" (farthing - which bought you a toffee) and "isitebele" (halfpenny, the Zulu word derived from "stable", which was the cost of stabling your horse for the night).
Then "uthiki" (tickey, or threepence – two and a half cents - with which you could phone anywhere in the country from a callbox and which you could also, at a pinch, use as a small screwdriver).
"Uzukwa" was sixpence (five cents – which got you a big bottle of ginger beer). "Usheleni" was a shilling (10 cents).
Then came "Uskoshemeni" (two shillings/a florin – equivalent of 20 cents), which had an interesting origin. It means "Scotchman" and comes from a Scottish contractor who tried to cheat his workers by passing off florins (20 cents) as halfcrowns (25 cents).
The apartheid regime has been accused of all kinds of things. At the time of decimalisation it seemed like cultural damage. But anyone with a smattering of arithmetic can see it also brought in galloping inflation.
Bring back those halcyon days!
Twee buffels
FURTHER to yesterday's discussion of long place names – with the Welsh in an apparently unassailable lead – I'm informed that about 200 km west of Pretoria, in North-West province, there's a farm called Tweebuffelsmeteenskootmorsdoodgeskietfontein (Two buffalo shot stone dead with one shot fountain).
Well, there you are. Des Lindberg used to sing about such a place but I always thought he was having us on.
The house wins
A SECRET underground neighbourhood that housed and employed hundreds of illegal workers has been found under a Moscow market.
Police found a network of rooms under Cherzikovsky market, which consisted of a clothing factory, living quarters, a cinema, a casino and a chicken coop. More than 200 people were arrested.
A casino? Hey, exploitation rides rampant! Sweated labour and then the little you pay them you get back at the gambling tables. Who would be a socialist?
Acclimatising
READER Colin Plen says he's recently arrived from Cape Town and he's puzzled by one or two things.
"I saw a place called Bakers DIY Hardware so because I want to make bread and biscuits I went there. And you know what? They sell only ordinary hardware, they don't sell stuff for baking.
"I cannot work out why a place is called Bluff Meat Supply. Either they do or they don't, but why try to bluff?
"Then I saw a business called Biggar Engineering and I drove around the block trying to find Big and Biggest.
"Which reminds me - in Cape Town they used to ask the question, in Afrikaans: 'What are the degrees of comparison' - no, it sounds better in Afrikaans – 'Wat is die trappe van vergelykking van Woes? Woester en Robertson.'"
I think I get what he means, but the good folk of Worcester and Robertson would wax woes indeed to be described in this way. (And who believes Colin bakes bread and biscuits? These Capetonians can be very devious.)
Tailpiece
"YOU'RE an intelligent, successful woman. Why do you play the dumb blonde when your boyfriend's around?"
"Well, for a relationship to work you have to be on the same level."
Last word
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
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