The Idler, Friday, June 21, 2013

LAST TELEGRAM ENDS MSGE

WHAT happened to telegrams, with their pithy content of "telegraphese", cutting down on costs charged at so much a word? They got replaced first by the fax then by e-mail, that's what.

Except in India. There you can still send a telegram: "CONGRATS WHAT NOW?" (always in capitals) in place of sending a longish formal letter. But not for long. Next month the last telegram in the world will have been sent when the state-owned telecom company shuts down its telegraph service.

Telegrams and their close cousin, the telex, left a rich linguistic legacy, especially in the newspaper industry where thousands of words in telegraphese would pour in daily from correspondents in every corner of the world. The prefix "UN" was used to save a fortune in superfluous words.

For example: Peter Younghusband, doyen of foreign correspondents in Africa – at the time representing the London Daily Mail - once travelled to some remote village, accompanied by his competitor from the London Daily Express, a man named Monks.

It turned out to be not the most exciting news event so Younghusband dressed things up a bit with a lively account of the excitement of getting there. Next day Monks got a peeved telex from his office: "WHY YOU UNSWIM CROCODILE-INFESTED RIVER LIKE YOUNGHUSBAND?"

Cables between foreign correspondents and their newsdesks have become part of the legend.

The London Daily Telegraph had a policy of sending in its man on a news story and leaving him there for quite a time in case something more developed. He would be left kicking his heels long after all his colleagues had departed. One fellow who had been languishing for weeks in some part of South-East Asia eventually telexed his news editor: "BOO!"

Back came the reply: "BOO OR UNBOO YOU STAY"

There was also the fellow who had interviewed Sir Roy Welensky, prime minister of the Federation of Rhodesia and Nyasaland. In his report he had not mentioned Sir Roy's age. The newsdesk in London could have looked it up in their library or in Who's Who? Instead they sent a cable.

The correspondent was woken from his slumbers in a Salisbury hotel to be handed the message: "HOW OLD ROY WELENSKY?"

He sent a prompt reply: "OLD ROY WELENSKY FINE HOW YOU?"

Some foreign correspondents could become rather testy in their communications with head office. One had been peppered with ridiculous requests. Eventually he sent the message: "YOU UNINFORMED UNREASONABLE UNPROFESSIONAL. RUDE LETTER FOLLOWS".

The above-mentioned Younghusband – a bulky giant of a man, known to his colleagues as Bigfoot, after the legendary American grizzly bear – used an exchange of cables as the title of a hilarious book he wrote about his days in Africa.

A certain correspondent had not sent any material for some time. He received a sarcastic cable: "PRESUME YOU ALIVE AND WELL AND LIVING IN AFRICA". To which he responded: "EVERY MEAL A BANQUET EVERY NIGHT A HONEYMOON" (the title of Younghusband's book.

Yep, them were the days. Nostalgia's not what it used to be.

The trick

PART of the trick as a foreign correspondent was to locate a telex machine. Otherwise there was no way of getting your material out.

In Angola in days of yore, there was a gents' outfitters in the town of Nova Lisboa called Nova Yorque. This shop had the only telex in town. Messages from it were automatically headed "NOVA YORQUE". Foreign correspondents made a beeline for this machine.

A colleague once telexed through a despatch, to receive an indignant reply from the office: "WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING IN NEW YORK?"

Yep, nostalgia's not what it used to be.

World's first

WHAT was the world's first telegram? It's thought to have been one that read: "WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT", sent wonderingly in 1844 in Morse Code over an experimental line between Washington and Baltimore.

What will be the world's last? No doubt the telecoms folk in India will share it with us by putting it on the internet.

Tailpiece

"I'M PLEASED to say your husband is not seriously ill. All he needs is some rest and peace and quiet. Here are some sleeping pills."

"That's a relief, doctor. How often must I give them to him?"

"Actually they're for you."

Last word

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

 

The Idler, Thursday, June 20, 2013

A playful tiff

I WAS SITTING at a lunch table with a lady friend in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties. We were discussing this distressing business involving dishy TV food celebrity Nigella Lawson and her husband, Charles Saatchi.

We fell into disagreement so I grabbed her throat with both hands and shook her, just to get my point across.

At which she kicked me hard on the shins, grabbed me by the ears and violently banged my head on the table four times.

Then she leaped across the table and caught me in the Boston Crab, that wrestling hold that is illegal in the professional ring. The pain was excruciating.

Then she let me go and delivered a right cross that had me seeing stars and listening to the birdies sing as I went flying across another table in a tangle of tablecloths and cutlery.

None of this should be misinterpreted. It was nothing more than a playful tiff.

Old tech

A JELLYFISH-SHAPED helium balloon has been launched from Lake Tekapo, a remote spot on New Zealand's South Island. It is the first of hundreds to be launched in a ring on the 40th parallel south from New Zealand through Australia, Chile, Uruguay, Paraguay and Argentina.

The balloons will carry equipment to beam the internet down to billions of people who at present have no access. Solar panels will provide the electricity.

Operation Loon is a Google project designed to bring internet access to another 4.8 billion people in undeveloped countries.

Gas balloons drifting in the winds … the digital age embraces the technology of the early 19^th century. Next we'll have horse-drawn bullet trains and supersonic jet biplanes.

Parking

THE AVERAGE price of a house in Boston, Massachusetts, in the US, is $315 000 (R3.1 million) but a permanent parking space costs not that much less.

A city resident recently paid $560 000 at an auction for two parking spots near her home in the Back Bay neighbourhood.

Perhaps the thing to do in Boston is buy a parking space then pitch a tent or park a caravan.

Television licences

TV VIEWERS in Britain have given some ingenious excuses for not paying their television licence.

One said he thought he was exempt because his pet corgi was distantly related to one of the Queen's corgis.

Another household claimed they merely used the glow from the set as a lamp to help them read.

One man said he'd stolen the set, nobody knew he had it so why should he pay a licence?

More than 400 000 people were caught in Britain last year watching TV without licences - which is more than 1 000 a day. They paid stiff fines.

What would be a reasonable excuse in this country for not paying one's TV licence?

I didn't steal my set – I found it on a junk heap. It doesn't give off enough of a glow to read by.

But I did spend school holidays at Nkandla, at the same time JZ was growing up there. If that's not grounds for exemption, as a parallel to the Queen's corgi case, what is?

I rest my case.

 

Anniversary

IS IT NOW the Holy-Davidson? Scores of Harley-Davidson riders arrived noisily in St Peter's Square, outside the Vatican, to be blessed by Pope Francis.

They were there to celebrate the Harley-Davidson manufacturer's 110th anniversary.

Vroom, vroom! 

Sixtieth reunion

 

CALLING all Maris Stella matriculants of 1953 – they're holding a 60^th anniversary reunion lunch on Saturday, July 6. Anyone from that cohort who left the school before matriculation is also welcome.

 

Contact Yvonne Lee (nee Williams) on 031-2060365 or 083-3308887

 

 

Tailpiece

THE ANTHROPOLOGIST and his guide are taking a canoe up the river on a remote South Pacific island. There's a constant and unnerving drumming from the jungle. He asks the guide what it means.

"Drums OK. Very bad when drums stop."

An hour or so later, the drumming stops. The guide cowers in the bottom of the canoe and covers his ears with his hands.

"What now?"

"Drums stop – very bad. Now bass solo."

 

Last word

Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way.

Jane Austen

 

The Idler, Wednesday, June 19, 2013

A playful tiff

I WAS SITTING at a lunch table with a lady friend in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties. We were discussing this distressing business involving dishy TV food celebrity Nigella Lawson and her husband, Charles Saatchi.

We fell into disagreement so I grabbed her throat with both hands and shook her, just to get my point across.

At which she kicked me hard on the shins, grabbed me by the ears and violently banged my head on the table four times.

Then she leaped across the table and caught me in the Boston Crab, that wrestling hold that is illegal in the professional ring. The pain was excruciating.

Then she let me go and delivered a right cross that had me seeing stars and listening to the birdies sing as I went flying across another table in a tangle of tablecloths and cutlery.

None of this should be misinterpreted. It was nothing more than a playful tiff.

Old tech

A JELLYFISH-SHAPED helium balloon has been launched from Lake Tekapo, a remote spot on New Zealand's South Island. It is the first of hundreds to be launched in a ring on the 40th parallel south from New Zealand through Australia, Chile, Uruguay, Paraguay and Argentina.

The balloons will carry equipment to beam the internet down to billions of people who at present have no access. Solar panels will provide the electricity.

Operation Loon is a Google project designed to bring internet access to another 4.8 billion people in undeveloped countries.

Gas balloons drifting in the winds … the digital age embraces the technology of the early 19^th century. Next we'll have horse-drawn bullet trains and supersonic jet biplanes.

Parking

THE AVERAGE price of a house in Boston, Massachusetts, in the US, is $315 000 (R3.1 million) but a permanent parking space costs not that much less.

A city resident recently paid $560 000 at an auction for two parking spots near her home in the Back Bay neighbourhood.

Perhaps the thing to do in Boston is buy a parking space then pitch a tent or park a caravan.

Television licences

TV VIEWERS in Britain have given some ingenious excuses for not paying their television licence.

One said he thought he was exempt because his pet corgi was distantly related to one of the Queen's corgis.

Another household claimed they merely used the glow from the set as a lamp to help them read.

One man said he'd stolen the set, nobody knew he had it so why should he pay a licence?

More than 400 000 people were caught in Britain last year watching TV without licences - which is more than 1 000 a day. They paid stiff fines.

What would be a reasonable excuse in this country for not paying one's TV licence?

I didn't steal my set – I found it on a junk heap. It doesn't give off enough of a glow to read by.

But I did spend school holidays at Nkandla, at the same time JZ was growing up there. If that's not grounds for exemption, as a parallel to the Queen's corgi case, what is?

I rest my case.

 

Anniversary

IS IT NOW the Holy-Davidson? Scores of Harley-Davidson riders arrived noisily in St Peter's Square, outside the Vatican, to be blessed by Pope Francis.

They were there to celebrate the Harley-Davidson manufacturer's 110th anniversary.

Vroom, vroom! 

Sixtieth reunion

 

CALLING all Maris Stella matriculants of 1953 – they're holding a 60^th anniversary reunion lunch on Saturday, July 6. Anyone from that cohort who left the school before matriculation is also welcome.

 

Contact Yvonne Lee (nee Williams) on 031-2060365 or 083-3308887

 

 

Tailpiece

THE ANTHROPOLOGIST and his guide are taking a canoe up the river on a remote South Pacific island. There's a constant and unnerving drumming from the jungle. He asks the guide what it means.

"Drums OK. Very bad when drums stop."

An hour or so later, the drumming stops. The guide cowers in the bottom of the canoe and covers his ears with his hands.

"What now?"

"Drums stop – very bad. Now bass solo."

 

Last word

Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way.

Jane Austen

 

 

The Idler, Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Durban's No Gear event

 

READERS have welcomed the suggestion that the recent Naked Bike Ride in Mexico City should be replicated in Durban as a follow-up to Top Gear.

 

Mary Ann Grafetsberger, doughty champion of the interests of vervet monkeys, says she has neither the figure nor the bicycle to take part but she would be happy to lead the parade in a sidecar.

 

She also suggests that, to highlight the need for harmony with the animals that share our urban space, participants should take their pets with them on the ride – being cautious, of course, about claws and paws.

 

Ken Gillings suggests that the event should be called No Gear.

 

This surge of civic consciousness and pride is most heartening. I wonder if Mary Ann would be prepared to train a troop of vervets to ride bicycles in the parade.

 

Throwback

 

A BRITISH and Irish Lions tour is always a kind of throwback to an era in rugby that has otherwise passed. A strong national side (in the Lions' case multi-national) touring another rugby nation, playing strong provincial sides who throw everything at them but the kitchen sink; enthusiasm building to a crescendo as a Test series approaches.

 

So it was in Sydney at the weekend as the Waratahs took on the Lions in an absolutely thrilling encounter not entirely reflected in the Lions' eventual margin of victory. The stadium was jam-packed. It seemed perfectly natural that the Aussie commentator should slip into the terminology of yesteryear, describing the Waratahs as "New South Wales".

 

Compare it with our current concoction of "double-header" Tests played in zero atmosphere before half-empty stadiums (Well, in Durban anyway). The punters know the real deal.

 

Bad handling

 

MEANWHILE, reader Dave Cousens detects in the distressing Plumtree affair a parallel with the well-known nursery rhyme.

 

Big John Smit sat in the pit

Consuming his contract pie;

He stuck in his thumb

And pulled out a Plum

And thought what a great guy am I!

 

Has our rugby ever known such handling errors?

Quality complaint

A MAN living in Solihull, in the West Midlands of England, dialled 999 – the police emergency number – and complained that a prostitute he hired was not as attractive as she had claimed.

He said he wanted to report her for breaching the Sale of Goods Act.

The West Midlands police say the complainant has now been warned in writing not to waste their time again.

'Tis a weird and wonderful world we live in.

Glam ad

AN ADVERTISEMENT on eBay of a second-hand Mercedes has a lady on the bonnet – not quite as glamorous as the models who the manufacturers drape on their fancy cars at motor shows. This lady is rather plain. To be brutally frank, she's also obese.

She is, the advertiser informs us, his "more to love" missus.

Fie! Is this not still more chauvinist, sexist, offensive and outrageous than the classically beautiful models draped over the bonnets at the motor shows?

Yet offers for the ageing and somewhat battered Merc have soared to an astonishing £152 000 (R2.3 million).

'Tis a weird and wonderful world we live in.

Ticket to run

SOME Cockney wit. Former track athlete Sebastian Coe (proper title Lord Coe – he organised the Olympics in Britain) tried to go into Lord's cricket ground, in London, by the members' gate, though his ticket was for another gate.

Coe: "Don't you know who I am?"

Gateman: "No, who are you?"

Coe: "I'm Sebastian Coe."

Gateman: "Are you? Well then, it won't take you long to run round to the Nursery End, they'll let you in there."

 

 

 

Hats off

 

IAN GIBSON, poet laureate of Hillcrest, pens some lines in support of Public Protector Thuli Madonsela, who had a hostile grilling from certain members of a parliamentary committee.

 

Hats off to our Public Protector,

Who stands up to MPs who hector;

Her honest approach,

Is beyond reproach,

Whilst her political detractors reject her.

 

Tailpiece

KOOS van der Merwe wakes up in hospital, wracked with pain and covered in bandages. Cousin Piet is sitting at his bedside.

"What happened?"

"Well, you had a few dops last night. Then you bet you could dive out the window and fly back in again."

"Why didn't you stop me?"

"Stop you? I had 50 bucks on you."

Last word

Man is the only animal that laughs and has a state legislature.

Samuel Butler

 

Tghe Idler, Monday, June 17, 2013

Durban's No Gear event

 

READERS have welcomed the suggestion that the recent Naked Bike Ride in Mexico City should be replicated in Durban as a follow-up to Top Gear.

 

Mary Ann Grafetsberger, doughty champion of the interests of vervet monkeys, says she has neither the figure nor the bicycle to take part but she would be happy to lead the parade in a sidecar.

 

She also suggests that, to highlight the need for harmony with the animals that share our urban space, participants should take their pets with them on the ride – being cautious, of course, about claws and paws.

 

Ken Gillings suggests that the event should be called No Gear.

 

This surge of civic consciousness and pride is most heartening. I wonder if Mary Ann would be prepared to train a troop of vervets to ride bicycles in the parade.

 

Throwback

 

A BRITISH and Irish Lions tour is always a kind of throwback to an era in rugby that has otherwise passed. A strong national side (in the Lions' case multi-national) touring another rugby nation, playing strong provincial sides who throw everything at them but the kitchen sink; enthusiasm building to a crescendo as a Test series approaches.

 

So it was in Sydney at the weekend as the Waratahs took on the Lions in an absolutely thrilling encounter not entirely reflected in the Lions' eventual margin of victory. The stadium was jam-packed. It seemed perfectly natural that the Aussie commentator should slip into the terminology of yesteryear, describing the Waratahs as "New South Wales".

 

Compare it with our current concoction of "double-header" Tests played in zero atmosphere before half-empty stadiums (Well, in Durban anyway). The punters know the real deal.

 

Bad handling

 

MEANWHILE, reader Dave Cousens detects in the distressing Plumtree affair a parallel with the well-known nursery rhyme.

 

Big John Smit sat in the pit

Consuming his contract pie;

He stuck in his thumb

And pulled out a Plum

And thought what a great guy am I!

 

Has our rugby ever known such handling errors?

Quality complaint

A MAN living in Solihull, in the West Midlands of England, dialled 999 – the police emergency number – and complained that a prostitute he hired was not as attractive as she had claimed.

He said he wanted to report her for breaching the Sale of Goods Act.

The West Midlands police say the complainant has now been warned in writing not to waste their time again.

'Tis a weird and wonderful world we live in.

Glam ad

AN ADVERTISEMENT on eBay of a second-hand Mercedes has a lady on the bonnet – not quite as glamorous as the models who the manufacturers drape on their fancy cars at motor shows. This lady is rather plain. To be brutally frank, she's also obese.

She is, the advertiser informs us, his "more to love" missus.

Fie! Is this not still more chauvinist, sexist, offensive and outrageous than the classically beautiful models draped over the bonnets at the motor shows?

Yet offers for the ageing and somewhat battered Merc have soared to an astonishing £152 000 (R2.3 million).

'Tis a weird and wonderful world we live in.

Ticket to run

SOME Cockney wit. Former track athlete Sebastian Coe (proper title Lord Coe – he organised the Olympics in Britain) tried to go into Lord's cricket ground, in London, by the members' gate, though his ticket was for another gate.

Coe: "Don't you know who I am?"

Gateman: "No, who are you?"

Coe: "I'm Sebastian Coe."

Gateman: "Are you? Well then, it won't take you long to run round to the Nursery End, they'll let you in there."

 

 

 

Hats off

 

IAN GIBSON, poet laureate of Hillcrest, pens some lines in support of Public Protector Thuli Madonsela, who had a hostile grilling from certain members of a parliamentary committee.

 

Hats off to our Public Protector,

Who stands up to MPs who hector;

Her honest approach,

Is beyond reproach,

Whilst her political detractors reject her.

 

Tailpiece

KOOS van der Merwe wakes up in hospital, wracked with pain and covered in bandages. Cousin Piet is sitting at his bedside.

"What happened?"

"Well, you had a few dops last night. Then you bet you could dive out the window and fly back in again."

"Why didn't you stop me?"

"Stop you? I had 50 bucks on you."

Last word

Man is the only animal that laughs and has a state legislature.

Samuel Butler

 

Idler Friday, June 14, 2013

The top toe wrestlers

THEY'VE just held the World Toe-Wrestling Championships in a pub in Derbyshire, England. Winner in the men's section was Alan Nash, who has now held the title for 10 years, and in the women's section it was newcomer Rebecca Beech. (Both are from England).

Toe-wrestling is an ancient sport that dates back to the Middle Ages. It was revived in England in 1976. It's a bit like armwrestling, except the contestants sit opposite each other, lock big toes, then twist as hard as they can.

It's best of three – first with the right foot, then with the left, then again with the right if the score is equal.

The competition is held every year at the Bentley Brook Inn, in a place called Fenny Bentley. It attracts a wide field, including overseas entrants, and the proceeds go to charity.

Toe-wrestling needs to be introduced at the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties. The punters would take to it, I'm sure, the gals especially. Already they slip their sandals off and use their strong and sinuously flexible toes to surreptitiously grope at men in a most improper way. Let's channel this into something wholesome.

Thirty-day slap

FORMER American football star Chad Johnson playfully swatted his attorney on the bottom – as footballers routinely do when the other fellow has done something good – but it got him 30 days in jail.

Johnson was expecting to be handed an order for community service plus counselling, under a plea bargain agreement in a domestic violence case in Broward County, Florida. But when Judge Kathleen McHugh asked if he was satisfied with his attorney – and Johnson in reply perfomed the butt-slapping gesture on attorney Adam Swickle – it all unravelled.

The courtroom erupted in laughter and Judge McHugh took umbrage. "Is there something funny about this?"

She rejected the plea bargain and gave Johnson 30 days. He was led away in handcuffs.

Imagine if he'd butt-slapped a female attorney. Do they have the electric chair in Florida?

Termites

AN ELDERLY Chinese woman has had her savings chewed up by termites. She had stowed banknotes worth the equivalent of R630 000 in a wooden drawer in her home, wrapped in a plastic bag.

When she went to draw on her stash, the unnamed lady from the south of China found the termites had got there first and the notes were in tatters.

But this sad little story could have been worse. People at the bank were able, by scanning the fragments, to verify about R525 000 worth, so she lost only about 15% of her savings.

In recent years investors in the West haven't been so lucky. The derivatives sharpsters were worse than any termites.

More termites

THE ABOVE recalls the occasion when Koos van der Merwe had been heavily on the razzle in London and went into yet another pub where he was refused service because he'd already had too much.

"I insist, man! I want a double whisky!"

"I can't serve you, sir. You've had too much already."

At which Koos slowly and deliberately took a matchbox from his pocket and tapped at it. Two white ants fell onto the bar counter.

"Okay, boys – wreck the joint!"

 

Alarm system

POLICE in Bangkok raided the home of a pet shop owner and found hundreds of birds and animals being kept illegally – including 14 albino lions from Africa.

Also at the house were meerkats, tortoises, peacocks, and monkeys – believed to have been illegally imported – and an indigenous hornbill and indigenous leopard, both of which are protected in Thailand.

That's a pretty noisy and screechy crew; also a pretty scary one. Maybe the pet shop man, who faces 41 charges, will argue that it was only his household alarm and deterrence system.

 

 

 

Tailpiece

CRUSTY old man in bank: "I want to open an account, damnit!"

Female teller: "I beg your pardon, sir?"

Crusty old man: "Open your ears, fathead! I said want to open an account. Bloody hell!"

Teller: "I'm calling the manager. I won't be spoken to like this."

Manager: "Now what seems to be the problem here?"

Crusty old man: "I've just won 50 million bucks on the Lotto and all I want - damnit! – is to open a blasted account."

Manager: "Ah, and this silly bitch is giving you a hard time, right?"

Last word

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Albert Einstein