World War II – latest
BRITISH code-breakers are working on deciphering a message that has been discovered in a capsule attached to the skeletal remains of a carrier pigeon in a chimney in Surrey.
It would have been there something like 70 years and is believed to have contained information relating to World War II, possibly from behind enemy lines. How it got into the chimney instead of taking its message to Bletchley Park – Britain's centre of cypher and decoding – is a mystery.
Maybe it was carrying a personal message to Churchill from Hitler: "Hey, der Blitz voss all a big choke, ha, ha! Vhy not ve go kick ass in Russia?"
Growing deficit
THE GOVERNMENT is spending more than R2.5 billion a day - R400 million a day more than the taxes it collects, says investment analyst Dr James Greener in his latest grumpy newsletter.
"Now I know that the borrowing requirement is OK and the deficit is within manageable proportions but it is still worrying to this old bear to think that every morning the nation wakes to find its debt has increased by nearly half a billion compared to yesterday.
"Some talking head in government has suggested that bankers need to take sociology courses. He believes that this will make them realise the callousness and dangers of lending money to poor people. The bankers should agree but only if he first attends courses on economics and finance so that he can realise the callousness and dangers of talking nonsense."
Micawber's equation
IN HIS CONCERN over the deficit, Dr Greener no doubt has in mind Micawber's equation: "Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds aught and six, result misery."
Yep, Charles Dickens knew all about that. Wilkins Micawber was a character modelled on his own father.
Putin limps along
RUSSIAN President Vladimir Putin has developed a pronounced limp. A presidential spokesman says he has a sports-related pulled muscle but gives no further details.
What has he been up to? Mr Putin has a black belt in judo and has for years been projected by state television as a macho action man - tagging whales, swimming in freezing waters, horse riding bare-chested and even saving a TV crew from a tiger.
Maybe he's been disco dancing in secret with the girls from Pussy Riot.
Stowaway drama
A STOWAWAY snake has been found on an aircraft at Glasgow airport. The snake - thought to be an American smooth-scaled racer - was found under seats after the plane arrived from Mexico.
Cabin staff managed to coax the 18-inch snake into a box and have named him Furtivo because of his sneaky ways.
Scottish SPCA staff think he sneaked his way aboard while the aircraft was waiting for take-off in Cancun. It's also possible that he was in somebody's hand luggage.
Another possibility: What if he was stowed under some Glaswegian's kilt? Furtivo - that's a kilted Glaswegian for you.
Puns ahoy!
A VINTAGE collection of puns comes this way. To spare readers undue agony, they are administered in small doses:
· I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
· I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
· When chemists die, they barium.
· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A-a-a-a-a-rgh!
Crème de la crème
THE BOFFINS and the high rollers are headed for the La Bella Street Shelter for the Over-40s tonight. It's the second anniversary of the Shelter's weekly quiz and a R1 000 rollover cash prize has to be won, as well as a string of other prizes.
This promises to be a showpiece of intellectual brilliance, glamour, high fashion – and maturity in years. The crème de la crème of Durban. Watch this space!
Tailpiece
THE OWNER of a golf course in Georgia, United States, is confused about an invoice. He calls his secretary to the office for some mathematical help.
"Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20 000, minus 14 percent, how much would yew take off?"
She thinks for a moment. "Ever'thang but my earrings!"
Last word
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
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