The Idler, Thursday, November 15, 2012

Government needs to act THE NEW WORD "omnishambles" has been named word of the year by the Oxford English Dictionary. It means a situation which is shambolic from every possible angle and was coined in 2009 in the BBC political satire, The Thick Of It. But the OED judges say it has now crossed over into real life. Yes indeed. Refurbishment of the presidential residence at Nkandla to the tune of R200 million … the R70 billion arms deal … the Limpopo school textbooks … non-functioning hospitals … strikes, chaos and mayhem in the mining sector … the collapse of collective bargaining … corruption and nepotism everywhere … service delivery protests … bankrupt municipalities … violent crime … That's real life. Our government need to urgently register copyright on that word "omnishambles". We can't have any old banana republic stealing our thunder.   Mystique of monarchy CHARLES Prince of Wales does not have seven eggs cooked for him for breakfast, every day, from which he chooses one. It's a myth that is debunked in a new website put up by Clarence House, his office. Nor does the heir to the British throne dislike all modern architecture. Nor does his wife, the Duchess of Cornwall smoke heavily. In fact she gave up years ago. But Clarence House are a bit coy as to whether the prince really has a fellow who squeezes the toothpaste onto his toothbrush every morning. They don't give a direct, unequivocal answer. That's as well. You don't want to blab these things all at once. It could damage the mystique of monarchy. Snake haul THAI customs officials have seized 600 deadly cobras after stopping a vehicle at a checkpoint. The snakes were from Malaysia and were being smuggled to Laos for use in traditional medicine. This sounds a bit like the rhino horn business. Except you can't get 600 rhino into the boot of a car.

Mouse squad

TEAMS of mice are being trained to sniff out explosives and drugs at airports. The system is being pioneered by Israeli firm Tamar. It uses specially trained mice equipped with biological sensors.

The mice are trained to react when they smell explosives or drugs, and their reactions are recorded by a computer. Inspectors or security officers are then alerted.

That's all very well, just so long as Tamar don't go on to train up attack rabbits and gerbil perimeter patrols. It could get ugly.

Crown jewels

THEY'VE had to change the locks at the Tower of London – where the British crown jewels are stored - after the Beefeaters spotted a felon stealing a set of keys from a sentry post.

Pssst! You interested in a crown and orb an' sceptre, guvnor? Fell off the back of a lorry, it did …

Movie beckons

A FEW weeks ago we discussed a novel written by my old colleague Pixie Emslie (was Malherbe) set in the platinum mining industry. Although fiction and obviously written before the Marikana massacre, Cry of the Rocks uncannily seems to mirror current events.

Now Pixie tells me director/producer Gray Hofmeyr (whose films include Jock of the Bushveld) has acquired the rights and started on a screenplay which he intends offering to global movie backers next year.

This could bring the story even closer to current events. I wonder if I should audition for the role of Julius Malema.

Tailpiece

A FLORIDA senior citizen drives his convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushes it to 120 km/h; then 140 km/h; then 160 km/h.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees the flashing blue lights of a Florida state trooper's vehicle; he hears the siren shrieking. He puts his foot on the loud pedal, taking it to 180 km/h.

Then he thinks: "What the heck! I'm too old for this!" He slows down, stops and waits.

Trooper: "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've not heard before - I'll let you go."

Senior citizen: "Three years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

Trooper: "Have a good day, Sir."

Last word

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Emo Phillips