Damn the torpedoes!
THE INGWAVUMA controversy re-emerges, like the Creature from the Black Lagoon. It was back in the 80s that the bad old Nats startled everyone by trying to cede that north-eastern bit of present-day KwaZulu-Natal to Swaziland, giving the Swazis an outlet to the Indian Ocean. Just why was never satisfactorily explained.
There was one heck of a ruckus. The then KwaZulu Government successfully took the national government to court. The thing subsided.
But now, it seems, the Swazis are raising the issue again at the United Nations. They claim that whenever they set up a joint committee to discuss the matter, our folk don't pitch.
Surprise, surprise! But it just shows what a fraught environment it is that we live in. It proves how necessary is that flotilla of submarines we bought from Germany for R5 billion. We have to secure our borders.
But Swaziland is landlocked, I hear you say. And the submarine flotilla is high and dry in the dockyard at Simonstown.
Quite so. But have you never heard of flatbed trucks? Very soon we will have a submarine covering every entry point from Swaziland to Ingwavuma.
As Johnny Appleseed said: "Damn the torpedoes!"
Elucidation needed
VICE-PRESIDENT Kgalema Motlanthe tells his party cadres they must not be caught with their fingers in the till.
Give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He presumably means they should not have their fingers in the till at all, not just that they should not be caught at it.
But in the present climate he would do well to elucidate.
Anniversary
READER Jan de Groot reminds us that 67 years ago to the day, Japan surrendered and World War II was over.
"Those in Japanese prison camps all over the Far East could at least look forward to being released soon. For many it was too late."
Yep, and it took atom bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki to achieve it. Terrible times. Terrible legacy.
British braais
THE BRITS are cock-a-hoop over their medals haul in the Olympics. The weather is being kind. They are celebrating over the braai fires (or "barbecues").
From deepest Suffolk comes a circular on barbecue etiquette.
When a man volunteers to do the barbecue:
· The woman buys the food.
· The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.
· The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces.
· The woman remains outside a compulsory 3m exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can happen place without her interference.
Then - flourish of trumpets – the man places the meat on the grill.
Then:
· The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
· The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
· He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he flips the meat.
Then – another flourish of trumpets – the man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
Then:
· The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins and sauce and brings them to the table.
· After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
Then – very important – everyone praises the man for his cooking.
Then the man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. At which she spoils the party by delivering what is known as a boereklap.
Nothing at all like our braais. I wonder where they got that word "boereklap"?
Moose mix-up
AN AMERICAN police officer was called to a home in Ogden, Utah, where he had to use bolt cutters to free a moose that had got caught in the chains of a child's swing. It took him some time and the moose was none too co-operative.
"It was pretty crazy stuff," Sergeant Lane Findlay said afterwards. "This is certainly a first for me, and hopefully a last."
But just wait until the grizzlies start commandeering the kiddies' slides and the raccoons take over the sandpits. The animal world want their bit of playground fun as well.
Tailpiece
THEY'VE had a row and are driving along a country lane in icy silence. They pass a barnyard of mules and pigs.
She: "Relatives of yours?"
He: "Yep. In-laws."
Last word
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
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