What a finish!
DID YOU EVER see anything like that finish by Chad le Clos? It reminded me very much of a finish I saw at an inter-schools swimming gala in Maritzburg many years ago – the same determined burst at the end.
This involved a fellow named Fint, who was a tall, dark, good-looking guy and a very powerful swimmer. Fint was also painfully shy. If a girl so much as spoke to him he would blush crimson.
Fint was swimming in the relay for St Charles. As the gun went off, he was away to a brilliant start. Then a slight hesitation and the rest of the field got ahead. Then Fint got going again, ploughing his way like an ocean liner. Just like Chad, he got in first by sheer determination and guts; he touched the side and his team-mate was away, just ahead of the field.
Fint was in the shallow end now, just in front of a grandstand packed with schoolgirls. When the officials tried to help him out of the water, he fought them off. Then somebody noticed why. Fint lacked a cozzie.
He'd lost it in that racing dive. That moment's hesitation had been when he finally kicked free of it and carried on swimming. And here was this painfully shy fellow stark naked in the shallow end in front of hundreds of schoolgirls. They found him a towel and got him out, technically decent, to shrieks of schoolgirl laughter.
Poor old Fint. He was glowing like a beacon. Just as well they didn't have the Olympic technology in Maritzburg in those days – you know, the underwater camera shots. That would have done for him.
High note
THE SEASON of gigs at St Clements ended on a high note this week with readings from Misadventures of Attorney Shudder (Trayberry Press), written by Maritzburg attorney Allan Manning.
These provide an unusual perspective on the legal profession. "Glumly Shudder plucked two mating moths off his mildewed attorney's gown and plodded to the magistrate's court …"
They feature a run-down attorney's office which he shares with a huge, fierce black cat and a tame Indian mynah which specialises in leaving droppings on stern letters from the Law Society. Also a water bed on which all kinds of illicit cavortings take place, fortunately shut off from prying eyes by the dust which renders the windows opaque.
It's hilarious stuff. Allan insists it's not autobiographical, though the picture on the cover shows a remarkable likeness to his shaggy features.
Allan is a fly-fisherman and outdoors man, as well as a leading member of the Wine Society. At St Clement's he read only one of his stories and left the rest of the readings to other members of the soiree while he seriously tested the claret for nose and bouquet.
Here's one of his pieces, titled: In A Paarl Wine Cellar
"Find it tastes cunning yet sumptuous, sir?"
"No, meandering and sly."
"And this? Intrepid? Amusing?"
"Glib like cheap doggerel."
"Now, surely, lilting affability?"
"Parsimonious, niggardly."
"A gallant veteran?"
"Hmmm. Past its menopause."
"Salacious, risqué?"
"Blasphemously smug. Rains came too late."
"Here, a raucous ragamuffin, gnarled red."
"Stupendous. Gimme a case."
Now something from the great outdoors:
"Old Ben clambered up the wave-scoured rocks of the Transkei coast onto the goat path above. There she was – his jeep – patient as a Buddhist monk, faithful as an ugly Japanese wife.
"'You lovely old vintage bitch', he panted. He flung the slippery rock cod into the back and wrapped it in income tax forms he never filled in but found so useful …"
Great stuff! Next time I'm had up for counterfeiting money, Allan will be my man.
And that concluded the St Clement's season. We'll be back in a couple of months, this time kicking off with art produced in Westville Prison. (Who knows, the artists might include some of Allan's former clients).
Watch this space!
Tailpiece
OFFICE dialogue:
"You're late again! I know we've slept together a few times but I'm still the boss and you're still the receptionist."
"Yes … so?"
"Who said you could come in late?
"My lawyer."
Last word
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
No comments:
Post a Comment