Confused nationalities
THERE'S lots of confusion these days about who is allowed to play for whom. South Africans play cricket and rugby for England. The Ulster rugby side is captained by a South African. Just what are the criteria of nationality? A clarification follows:
The English are British and lots of people think the British are English but that annoys the Scottish and Welsh because although some think they're British and some think they aren't and some think they are but don't want to be, they all agree that they definitely are not English.
The Irish mostly think they are Irish, apart from the ones who are Northern Irish. Some say that makes them British and Irish. But others disagree and say they should just be Irish and then some say they aren't British either but part of the United Kingdom.
People from England, Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland can all play cricket for England because they're British, as can those from Ireland even though they aren't British. So can South Africans.
The English play football for England unless they aren't that good, when they might try to play for Ireland. Those from the Isle of Wight are English, those from Anglesey are Welsh and those from the Orkneys are Scottish, but although that means they aren't from the island of Great Britain they're still British. The Channel Islanders depend on the Crown, which is what the Queen wears, but they aren't in the United Kingdom and those from the Isle of Man are the same, apart from their cats.
Yes, that clears it up nicely.
Police said alcohol might have been a factor. Yes, they keep a straight face those Aussie police.
Bite the hand …
A FLORIDA boat operator had his hand bitten off by an alligator as he trailed it in the water. Then he got criminally charged with illegally feeding the alligators.
It should make an interesting case. Wallace Weatherholt had apparently hung a fish over the side of the boat just before he trailed his hand in the water. It's not clear which action is deemed to have been a feeding.
Park rangers shot the alligator and recovered Weatherholt's hand, but it was in no condition to be re-attached.
They play it tough, those Florida park rangers. No sympathy – throw the book at him, plus his hand!
Pigeon pie
A BOY riding a rollercoaster in America got a mouthful of pigeon as the ride picked up speed and the bird flew into his face.
Shane Matus thought somebody had thrown a ball at him until he found he was spitting out feathers. Other passengers in the rollercoaster car in Jackson, New Jersey, were covered in blood and feathers.
Maybe Shane should count himself lucky. Most kids get only a hamburger when they go on the rollercoaster.
Doting grandpa
WHAT a thrill. Eight-year-old Jamie Brown, of Hartlepool, in England, had the joy of pressing the button that set off the explosives to demolish a 230 feet high factory chimney. Whee!
The Steetley Chimney had been part of the skyline for as long as anyone could remember. But the plant it served had closed and the chimney needed to be demolished for redevelopment.
The local mayor guessed that people would pay to press the button. About 6 000 bought raffle tickets for the right – the proceeds going to local charities – and Jamie's grandfather won the draw. He ceded the fun to Jamie.
That's what grandpas are for.
Tailpiece
PADDY goes into a Dublin florist's and says: "Good afternoon, I'd like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend please".
"Certainly, Sir. What is it you're after?"
"Gettin' her between de sheets, to be sure."
Last word
I hate women because they always know where things are.
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