The guyness quotient
A SCIENTIFIC quiz comes this way, designed to determine what they call a man's "guyness quotient". It puzzles me greatly. What on earth are they getting at? But here goes:
· Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit Earth and present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty and permanently eliminating oppression and violence everywhere. Do you: a) Present it to the president of the United States? b) Present it to the secretary-general of the United Nations? c) Take it apart?
· As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most: a) Innocence? b) Idealism? c) Cherry bombs?
· When is it okay to kiss another male: a) When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. b) When he is the Pope (though not on the lips, of course.)? c) When he's your brother and you're Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed?
· What about hugging another male? Is it okay: a) If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease? b) If you're performing the Heimlich Manoeuvre (repeatedly shouting: "I am just dislodging food in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")? c) If you're a rugby player and a teammate scores under the posts to clinch it in injury time (You also pounding him fraternally with your fist, hard enough to cause fractures)?
· In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a) A cat? b) A dog? c) A dog that eats cats?
· You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent and you enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a rugby game; she's reading the papers - when she suddenly says she really loves you, but where is the relationship is going? Do you reply: a) That the two of you have a future but you don't want to rush it? b) That you have strong feelings for her but you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope? c) That the ref is not just blind, he's insane.
· Okay, you've decided you truly love a woman and want to spend the rest of your life with her. Do you tell her: a) In a nice restaurant ? b) On a walk on a moonlit beach? c) Tell her what?
· What is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for 40 years before they finally got to the Promised Land: a) He was being tested? b) He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there? c) He refused to ask directions?
· What is the human race's single greatest achievement: a) Democracy? b) Religion? c) The remote?
Give yourself a point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score six or higher on this test. Or so the scientists say. But I still haven't a clue what they're on about.
Tailpiece
A MAFIA mafia don is dying and calls for his grandson to approach the bed: "Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-calibre revolver so you will always remember me."
The grandson smiles weakly and replies: "But Grandpa, I really dona lika da guns. Howzabout you leava me you Rolex watch instead?"
The old man answers with a snarl: "Shuddup you an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple bambinos."
After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues: "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed wit anuddaman. Whadda you gonna do then ... pointa to your watch and say: 'Times up'?"
Last word
Never explain - your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.
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