Wear the tartan with pride
IF YOU'RE a man of rectitude and morality, make sure you wear jazzy Y-fronts. Wear the family tartan. Or else feature your favourite cartoon characters – Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse or whoever. Emblazon your crotch with catchy yet distinctive slogans. In this digital age your reputation could depend on it.
This is the inescapable message coming out of Washington as Weinergate (aka Crotchgate) creeps on as a political scandal.
Central to the thing is a pair of grey underpants of a bulging maleness that inexplicably appeared on the computer screen of a female college student in Seattle. The image appears to have come from the Twitter account of Congressman Anthony Weiner.
Weiner is not sure how it happened; indeed whether the grey underpants and the bulging matter are even his. But snide assertions are being made.
A career could be wrecked. Never wear dull, conformist underwear! It's a jungle out there!
Heaven and Hell
A DIGRESSION into theology:
Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French and it's all organised by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the chefs British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and it's all organised by the Italians.
Another mix-up
WHICH recalls a definition of what was intended in Canada: British politics, French culture and American know-how.
What they actually got was French politics, American culture and British know-how.
Yawning gulf
AMERICA really is two nations. A table of translations comes this way for Californians who are visiting Texas – or vice versa. The Californian expression "diverse or lifestyle choice" becomes, in Texas, "sin and perversion". And so it goes on:
| | |
| | |
| · Arsenal of weapons - | gun collection |
| · Delicate wetlands - | swamps |
| · Undocumented worker - | Damned iIllegal alien |
| · Cruelty-free materials - | synthetic fibre |
| · Assault and battery - | attitude adjustment |
| · Heavily armed - | well-protected |
| · Narrow-minded - | righteous |
| · Taxes or your fair share - | coerced theft |
| · Commonsense gun control - | gun confiscation plot |
| · Illegal hazardous explosives - | fireworks or stump removal |
| · Nonviable tissue mass - | unborn baby |
| · Equal access to opportunity - | socialism |
| · Multicultural community - | high crime area |
| · Fairness or social progress - | Marxism |
| · Upper class or "the rich" - | self-employed |
| · Progressive change - | big government scheme |
| · Homeless or disadvantaged - | bums or welfare leeches |
| · Sniper rifle - | scoped deer rifle |
| · Investment for the future - | higher taxes |
| · Healthcare reform - | socialised medicine |
| · Extremist, judgmental, or hater - | conservative |
| · Truants - | homeschoolers |
| · Victim or oppressed - | criminal or lazy good-for-nothing |
| | |
| · Religious zealot - | church-going, God-fearing individual |
| · Reintroduced wolves - | sheep and elk killers |
| · Fair trade coffee - | overpriced Yuppie coffee |
| · Exploiters or "the rich" - | employers or land-owners |
| · The Gun Lobby - | NRA members |
| · Assault weapon - | semi-auto (Grandpa's M1 carbine) |
| · Fiscal stimulus - | New taxes and higher taxes |
| · Same -sex marriage - | legalised perversion |
| · Mandated eco-friendly lighting - | Chinese mercury-laden light bulbs |
Yes, a yawning gulf in perceptions and values. But hold on. Wasn't it the Californians who voted in Arnold Schwarzenegger as Governor? Was The Terminator in reality the Warm and Cuddly Consensus-Maker?
Quirky verse
READER Eric Hodgson sends in some limericks by Kirk Miller. They have about them an appealing quirkiness and an unusual metre. An example:
A bad over-actor named Sam
Explained his philosophy to Pam.
'Like Descartes, I can see
The real essence of me.
I think and so therefore I ham.'
Tailpiece
Jimmy-Joe is walking down Main Street in Bellefonte, Kentucky, when he sees his buddy, Bubba, driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulls up with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd ya get that truck?"
"Bobby-Sue gave it to me."
"She gave it to ya? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy-Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby-Sue pulls off the road, puts the truck in four-wheel drive and heads into the woods. She parks the truck, gets out, throws off all her clothes and says: 'Bubba, take whatever you want!'
"That's how I got the truck."
Last word
One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothin' can beat teamwork.
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