Where to take your aunt
PG WODEHOUSE once described an aunt's hissed expression of disapproval as somewhere between escaping steam and a cobra that has woken up in a bad mood. Passengers on a train in Vietnam recently experienced both.
They stampeded in panic when, on a trip between Ho Chi Minh City (formerly Saigon) and Hanoi, the conductor discovered several semi-transparent bags of king cobras and ordinary cobras stowed under a seat. These critters were hissing harder than any PD Wodehouse aunt; also spitting furiously.
In the confusion, the man who had brought the snakes on board the train escaped. They were handed to police who handed them on to wildlife officials for release into the forests.
Now comes the alarming part. It seems the cobras had been destined for the restaurants of Hanoi. Snake meat is a delicacy in Vietnam. It is associated with virility and male sexual potency. A king cobra can sell in a restaurant for £310.
The customer selects the snake he fancies, and it is killed in front of him. The meal usually starts with a drink made from the snake's blood. What's your poison?
Bears are also on the menu. Plus porcupines, civet cats, weasels, fresh water turtles and monitor lizards.
Clearly, a Vietnamese restaurant is to place to take any overbearing PG Wodehouse type aunt.
Good news
THERE'S a notable lack of dismay at the government's decision that no city should bid to host the Olympic Games. Can you imagine a string of Moses Mabhida stadiums standing silent and ghostly across Durban, all of it at ratepayer's expense.
In his latest grumpy newsletter, investment analyst Dr James Greener captures the sentiment.
"The really good local news is the cabinet's decision not to pursue a bid to host the Olympic Games down here on the southern tip. For possibly the first time in my life I find myself in agreement with a government decision.
"Mind you, after the cold snap and snowfalls, some bright spark will probably start waffling about having a go for the winter Olympics."
Marks and Sparks
CIVIL war rolls across Libya and the Brits and the French launch air strikes in support of the rebels, but you can still drop in at Marks and Sparks in Tripoli to buy a pair of chinos.
The British embassy is closed, the ambassador's residence has been destroyed but the British retail chain – Real name Marks and pencers - is still in business in the Libyan capital and, according to war correspondents there, to go inside is like being in any M&S outlet anywhere in the world.
I wonder if they kept an eye open for a mop-haired figure in khaki kaftan at the ladies' lingerie counter. What a cover. This could explain why Marks and Sparks is still in business.
What the Dickens?
WHOOPS! I'm guilty of mixing up Dickens characters, as a couple of readers have pointed out. It wasn't Sam Weller who said "the law is a ass", it was Mr Bumble, the beadle in Oliver Twist Sam Weller, of course, was the trusty Cockney manservant in The Pickwick Papers, who said of the waters of Bath "they'd a wery strong flavour o' warm flat irons."
Tailpiece
SENIOR citizens Russ and Sam met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world affairs.
One day Russ didn't show. Sam didn't think too much about it but a week later, when Russ still hadn't turned up, he got worried. But he didn't know where Russ lived, so was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month passed and Sam figured he had seen the last of his friend.
Then one day - there sat Russ on his usual bench.
"Russ, what in the world happened to you?"
"I've been in jail."
"Jail! What for?"
"You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop?"
"Yeah. What about her?"
"She filed rape charges against me."
"Rape charges?"
"That's right. And at 89 years old I was so proud I pleaded guilty. Damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
Last word
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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