Worth a spread bet
THE MIXER is humming. Scotland votes for a party that wants complete self-rule. Queen Elizabeth takes the Republic of Ireland absolutely by storm in the first-ever visit by a British monarch since the South went its own way.
The warmth between her and President Mary McAleese is palpable. They visit the war memorial to the Irish who died for Britain in World War I. Incredibly, a representative of the Ulster Defence Association – a hardline loyalist grouping from Northern Ireland - is also there.
Not long ago the Brits gave the Irish a very generous loan to help them out when the Irish economy tanked. The European Union, and the Euro as a currency, are not proving all they were cracked up to be.
As the song asks, What's Going On? Is Scotland going to further loosen its ties with England? Is Ireland going to move closer in some way? Is the border in Ireland between North and South (pretty theoretical anyway) going to disappear?
It's impossible to predict quite what, but something's happening. It's worth a spread bet with the bookies.
Sinister
MEANWHILE, how's this for a sinister development? British Prime Minister David Cameron and President Barack Obama played table tennis together at a youth club they went to during Obama's state visit.
It turns out they're both left-handed. Conspiracy theorists would make a meal of it because the Latin word "sinister" also means "left", and there have been all kinds of prejudices against left-handers down the ages.
I myself don't subscribe to them. I can think of brilliant left-handers, notably Graeme Pollock and Graeme Smith. The fact that they can't properly spell the name "Graham" is ignorant but hardly sinister.
Jottings
AN ODD LITTLE booklet comes this way, inspired by an Apache Chief. Or is author Brian Gilham, of Durban, just having us on?
Brian was working as a bartender in Chicago in the mid-80s (he also played gridiron football there) when he got into an altercation with an "Indian fella" in a suede tasselled coat, who had called him a coyote.
Now "coyote ugly" is a term of abuse in America and Brian didn't take kindly to it. But it turned out the Apache had called him "Kayete" as a compliment. Kayete was the name of his chief, and Brian bore a remarkable resemblance to him, he said.
At which Brian bought him a drink and they became friends.
Since then Brian has had flashes of inspiration about life, which he always jots down. The Native Americans are said to possess powers of telepathy. Brian thinks the flashes come from Chief Kayete. That's why he calls them Kayete-isms, and he's collected them in the booklet. Some examples:
· The source of your truth is irrelevant. That you live by that truth is important.
· Most of what you have right now was once what you aspired to.
· Before your utterances are released, ensure that you of all people understand them.
And so it goes on – pensees/aphorisms. Brian Gilham/Chief Kayete.
Big cat alert
TYGER tyger burning bright ... armed police and a helicopter were scrambled in England when a tiger was spotted in a field near a Southampton golf course. Staff from a zoo were called in to tranquilise the animal.
The golf course was evacuated and plans were put in place to close a nearby motorway.
But as police officers carefully approached the tiger it stayed strangely still. As a Hampshire police spokeswoman put it: "After a brief stalk through the Hedge End savannah, the officers realised the tiger was not moving and the air support using their thermal cameras realised there was a lack of heat source.
"The tiger then rolled over in the helicopter downdraught and at that point it became obvious it was a stuffed, life-size toy."
What immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry?
Tailpiece
A FELLOW walks into a swish New York bar. The bartender asks for his order.
"When I drink, everybody drinks!" The fellow makes an expansive gesture to indicate a round for all.
The bartenders scurry about serving everyone. The fellow is presented with a tab for more than $1 000. He slaps a $5 note on the counter.
"When I pay, everybody pays!"
Last word
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
No comments:
Post a Comment