Now it's Crotchgate
ANOTHER "gate" rocks the world. In the 1970s Republican Party spooks burgled Democratic Party headquarters in the Watergate Hotel, Washington. The resulting scandal ended in President Richard Nixon resigning.
Since then, any political scandal anywhere has had the suffix "gate" inanely attached to it. In this country we had Infogate – the Information Department scandal that led to the downfall of Prime Minister John Vorster – and, in the current era, Travelgate, in which MPs fiddled their travel expenses. (This led to the downfall of nobody).
Now there's another furore in the US. A photograph, said to be of the crotch of Congressman Anthony Weiner, has unaccountably been sent to the Twitter account of a young female student in Seattle, who says she doesn't know him anyway – crotch or otherwise.
Weiner, meanwhile, says his Twitter account was hacked by somebody and is unable to say whether or not the photo is of his own crotch (presumably the angle is unfamiliar).
This is, of course, Weinergate. Surely a better name would be Crotchgate.
Oz obscenities
CRIPES, stone the flamin' crows! Starve the lizards, mate! They're bringing in a law in the Australian state of Victoria to allow the police to spot-fine people for using obnoxious language in public.
But the above examples of traditional Oz-talk obviously wouldn't count. I think what they're aiming at is really obscene talk – like about the last Ashes series against England.
What fun!
NOW AND THEN you get an idea of what we are missing by being somewhat out of the mainstream. In the US, lad about town Piers Morgan has been adjudicating in the opening rounds of the America's Got Talent show.
One contestant who made it to carry on to the next round in Las Vegas was a girl called Debbie with her pet parrot Danny who, we're told, had the audience in fits of laughter.
The little green parrot mimicked words like "shut-up" and even mimicked other birds and a cat.
When it impersonated a chicken clucking, Morgan got to his feet clapping. Then when Debbie revealed she also has parrots that paint and read minds, all three judges put her through to the next round.
Hey, stupendous!
But not everyone can make it. A dancing troupe of senior citizens in nappies, a man who produces flatulent sounds from his armpits and a robot-style dancer -who fell off the stage – were eliminated.
Parrots, seniors in nappies - it all sounds a barrel of fun. Why don't we have this sort of sophisticated talent?
Name shuffle
PIERS Morgan used to be editor of the Daily Mirror, in London. He was always referred to by satirical magazine Private Eye as Piers "Moron" Morgan. Now they've changed it to Piers "Morgan" Moron.
Whatever could make them be so cruel?
Taxi tape
A READER who always calls himself Hughbythesea says he recently bought a roll of double-sided adhesive tape. Amongst the suggested uses were "Fixing body and roof panels in the bus and truck industry". The tape, he says, "eliminates the use of rivets, screws and welding."
"Are the manufacturers perhaps targeting the second-hand taxi market?"
Whir, click!
YOU'RE a tourist. You settle on a bench to take in the panoramic view of the Wye Valley, say, in the West Country of England. You're taking in the sheer beauty of it all when suddenly there's a whir and a click and you're listening to the treacly voice of Stephen Fry or you're getting wisecracks from comedienne Miranda Hart.
Fry and Hart are two of the celebrities who have agreed to lend their voices to the "Talking Benches" project of the English National Trust, which has asked them to record monologues to give listeners a commentary or personal story inspired by the surroundings.
As Fry puts it: "I am very proud to be associated with a bench and I hope I provide comfort, balm and solace for many a weary bottom."
Er, thanks but no thanks.
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Tailpiece
Dr Calvin Rickson, of Ohio State University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
This was announced at a news conference, after which a group of men dragged Dr Rickson outside and beat the daylights out of him.
Last word
Against logic there is no armour like ignorance.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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