Dialogue of sheer terror
A CAUTIONARY tale comes this way of the perils of airport lavatories. It is not for the faint-hearted. The narrator was barely enthroned when he heard a voice from the cubicle next door saying: "Hi, how are you?"
He froze. He is not the type to conduct a conversation in the rest room.
"I don't know what got into me. I answered, somewhat embarrassed: 'Oh, doin' just fine.'
"And this other person says: 'So what are you up to?'
"What kind of question is that? What does he think I'm up to? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: ''Uh-h-h, I'm like you, just travelling!'
"At this point I am trying to get out of there as fast as I can when I hear another question: 'Can I come over?'
"Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could be polite and end the conversation. I tell him: 'No, I'm a little busy right now'
"Then I hear the person say nervously: 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's a nutcase in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.'"
Yes, the mobile phone intrudes everywhere.
The law or the loo?
THE ABOVE recalls a Supreme Court judge who used to dine out on the story of when he arrived in Johannesburg on a Sunday on a flight from London, with several hours to wait for his connecting flight to Durban.
This was the old South Africa. The pubs were closed. But he had a bottle of cognac in his hand luggage, brought through duty-free.
He made his way to the gents' where he found a paper cup and a chair. Stationing himself by the wash handbasin, he poured himself a tot and a squirt of water and settled down to read the newspaper.
Then a fellow came out of one of the cubicles. As he went past the judge, he put down a coin.
"Ag, dankie meneer!"
Then others came in and out and most of them tipped him. The judge was in a warm glow of cognac, accumulating a little pile of money and thinking of a career change, when his flight was called and it was back to the grind of life on the bench.
Made in …
GLOBALISATION has taken over, causing all kinds of resentment. Here's a niggle from Australia.
John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6am.
While his coffee pot (made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong)
He put on a shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore) and tennis shoes (made in Korea)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in India), he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico) to see how much he could afford to spend in the day. After setting his watch (made in Taiwan) to the radio (made in the Netherlands) he got into his car (made in Germany), filled it with petrol (from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good, paying Australian job.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (made in Malaysia), John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France) and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia), and then wondered why he can't find a good, paying job in Australia.
Now he's hoping he can get help from the government, which is led by a prime minister made in Wales.
Keep the change
MORE from Bill Bryson's Bizarre World (Warner Books):
When the US Department of Health, Education and Welfare tried to pay Andrew Bravas an automatic salary increase of $ 1 172, Bavas decided to turn it down on the logical, if unusual, grounds that he didn't really need it. Far from being pleased, HEW informed Bavas that his refusal to accept the money was not only unprecedented but illegal, and told him he was being transferred to Philadelphia. Bavas resigned
Tailpiece
PADDY spent half an hour trying to take his wife's bra off ... he should never have tried it on in the first place.
Last word
Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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