Durban lags behind
TOILETS al fresco ... Cape Town has them, Viljoenskroon has them. You're out in the fresh air, you can read the newspaper, do the crossword, smoke a cigarette, wave to your friends.
Open toilets are gaining in popularity. Soon they will have all the cachet of the patio jacuzzi.
Why does Durban not have them? Why has Mike Sutcliffe not demolished the stonework that makes the public toilets in Farewell Square, and other parts of the city, so archaically reclusive?
This should become an election issue.
Twitmarshery
THIS week's piece on Twitmarsh bureaucrats reminds reader Perry Webb of his son's encounter with military twitmarshery.
His son completed his army service in 1987 with a fine outstanding of R275 for a misdemeanour which involved being rude to a senior officer, mistaking him for one of his fellow-soldiers.
When discharged, the army failed to deduct the fine from his final pay packet. For several years letters arrived requesting payment. They were ignored.
"In 1995 after the new dispensation the army sent him a cheque for R275.00. It was gratefully accepted. Case closed."
Yes, twitmarshery can have its upside.
Stages of man
SUCCESS in life goes through different stages. An in-depth research project has identified and tracked them.
· Age four - success is not wetting in your pants.
· Age six - success is finding your way home From school.
· Age 12 - success is having friends.
· Age 18 - success is having a driver's licence.
· Age 20 - success is having money.
· Age 35 – success is having money.
· Age 45 - success is having money.
· Age 55 - success is having money.
· Age 60 - success is having money.
· Age 65 - success is keeping a driver's licence.
· Age 70 - success is having friends.
· Age 75 - success is finding your way home from anywhere.
· Age 80 - success is not wetting your pants.
Love's an equation
THE RELATIONSHIP between the sexes can be expressed algebraically, it seems.
Smart man + smart woman = romance.
Smart man + dumb woman = affair.
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage.
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy.
Yep. And it makes the world go round.
The cups
ANOTHER cruel sports story. The Fire brigade phones Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger in the early hours of Sunday morning."Mr Wenger sir, the Emirates stadium is on fire!"
Wenger: "The cups, man! Save the cups!"
"Don't worry, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Twitchy Brits
THE BRITS are becoming increasingly twitchy about illegal immigrants. An open letter to Prime Minister David Cameron comes this way:
"Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow disease epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby years earlier, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cambria?
"And they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125 000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow."
Corporate-speak
NEW DIMENSIONS are being added to the language by corporate-speak. Some examples from America:
· What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.
· E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
· This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
· Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
· No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
· Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.
· We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
Tailpiece
PADDY applies for a job with a blacksmith and is asked if he has any experience shoeing horses.
"No, but I once told a donkey to get de hell out of it!"
Last word
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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