The Idler, Friday, May 20, 2011

Grand Old Duke of York MISSION creep – the thing developing into something absolutely unintended – is a concern being voiced in Britain as "advisers" go into Libya to organise the rebel forces. Satirical magazine Private Eye puts it this way, under a newspaper masthead "Nursery Times" and the headline: "GOVERNMENT TO SEND TEN THOUSAND ADVISERS UP HILL." "The Government has today hotly denied any 'mission creep' in the intervention over the Hill. Said a spokesman: 'These men from the Grand Old Duke's Regiment are not troops. They are there merely to give marching advice to the local Hill forces.' "He continued: 'The ten thousand advisers will go up the Hill, do their advising and then withdraw down the Hill. There may, of course, be an uncomfortable moment when they are neither up nor down the Hill which may go on for a very long time – possibly forever and a day.' "Said the Grand Old Duke of York: 'This limited intervention vis-à-vis the Hill is a very different operation from those we undertook on Hills in Afghanistan and Iraq.' "He concluded: 'The idea that there is a mission creep is nonsense, as evidenced by our code name for the whole operation which is Mission Creep.' "On other pages: ·         Yellow Brick Road closed indefinitely due to Munchkin Arsonists – 2. ·         Badger gassed by unrepentant Toad. Poop! Poop! – 3. ·         Hare claims 'I would beat tortoise with AV' - 94." Lovely stuff! Sobering too. Party coming up PAUL McIlroy, of the Blarney Brothers Irish band, sends in some information. This year July has five Fridays, five Saturdays and five Sundays, he says. This happens once every 823 years. It is known in Chinese Feng Shui as "Money Bags". Also, this year we're going to experience four unusual dates: 1/1/11; 1/11/11; 11/1/11; and 11/11/11. And that's not all. Take the last two digits of the year in which you were born - now add the age you will be this year. The result will be 111 for everyone in the whole world. This is the year of the Money, Paul says. The Feng Shui proverb goes that if you send this information to eight good friends, money will appear in the next four days. Readers might want to clip this out and send it to eight good friends. Perhaps I can already claim eight friends among readers. If it works, Paul can nominate where we throw the party.

Essence of Essex

PHWOAR-R-R-R … Essex girls! Two blonde bombshells from Essex have posed topless, and with not much else on, for a tasteful men's magazine known as Nuts.

Sam Faiers, who stars in the reality TV show, The Only Way Is Essex, posed for Nuts with her sister, Billie.

As the London Daily Mail puts it: "The sisters, who co-own Minnies boutique in their native Essex, have stripped off for a steamy photo shoot for Nuts magazine – cashing in on their newly found fame.

"Sam, 20, and sister Billie, 21, posed in extremely skimpy outfits and even go topless as part of the raunchy photo shoot to please their growing army of male fans."

Is there any point to all this? Not really. Except: Phwoar-r-r-r!

 

Tweet

BUT DON'T run away with the idea that Essex girls are airheads. Here's the tweet left by Sam as she left with her sister for a party at a nightclub called Sugar Hut to celebrate wrapping up the second series in The Only Way Is Essex.

She told fans: "Ready and on way to the wrap party with Billie :-) can't believe series 2 is over x x sugar hut !! Wohoo x"

Tally-ho!

Getting rich

AS WE AGE, our net worth increases: silver in the hair …gold in the teeth … stones in the kidneys … sugar in the blood … lead in the feet … iron in the blood … oil in the arteries … and an inexhaustible supply of natural gas.

How did we accumulate such wealth?

Tailpiece

I was explaining to her the idea of reincarnation. You die but come back as a different creature.

She: "I'd like to come back as a cow".

Me: "You haven't been listening".

Last word

 

Defining and analysing humour is a pastime of humourless people.

Robert Benchley

GRAHAM LINSCOTT