The roll-back begins
WE LIVE in a world of stress and danger; of international terrorism; of chaos in the international system of finance – and of galloping bureaucracy that threatens to enslave us all.
We need to adjust as best we can to all of it. Every little bit helps. And a book has come this way which offers the ordinary citizen the opportunity to roll back the menace of bureaucracy. It is written by RT Fishal (Can this be a genuine name, or is it artificial?), titled Bureaucrats: How To Annoy Them (Arrow Books).
It contains some splendid tips on gumming up the works in bureaucracy, thereby extending the sum of human freedom and happiness. Set in Britain, its principles nevertheless have a universal validity.
For instance, if you have to fill in a government form why not get some linguistically inclined colleague to do it for you in Greek or Icelandic? That will have the Twitmarshes (Fishal's word for noisome bureaucrats) scratching their heads. There's no law to say it has to be in English.
"In a more extreme case it is permissible to use several languages, thereby filling in Part 1 of the form in Norwegian, Part 2 in Hungarian, Part 3 in Romanian and Part 4 in Dutch ..."
Twitmarshes, he says, will be temporarily baffled by such words as yksityiskohtaista and tahtijoukkomuuttujiski.
Another wonderful tip: "Many forms – both from the Inland Revenue and from other official bodies – include sections which are left blank, with the brusque comment: 'For official use only. Do not write in this space.' A very thin layer of candle grease smeared over this part of the form will make it quite impossible for the Twitmarsh to write on it with either a fountain pen or a ball-point, and after several abortive attempts he may well screw up the entire form in blind fury. If you have no candles to hand, a judicious amount of hair-cream or even oil will serve almost as well."
We need all the help we can get. As I dip further into this excellent book, I will bring you more tips on recovering human liberty.
Gas board
HOW DID Fishal arrive at the word "Twitmarsh"? It's from an encounter he had with a gas board bureaucrat named Whitmarsh, which in fact launched him on his guerrilla campaign.
Whitmarsh had sent him a final demand for £10, failing which he would be criminally prosecuted. As Fishal's home was heated by oil, not gas, he thought something was amiss. He paid the £10 to stop the criminal proceedings but sent a letter questioning the whole thing.
He then received from Whitmarsh over the space of a few days: A letter saying he probably didn't owe the £10; a letter saying he certainly didn't owe the £10; a refund of the £10; a second refund of the same £10; and a second final demand for £10.
So Twitmarsh it is. Free men of the world, unite!
Security?
IN HIS LATEST grumpy newsletter, investment analyst Dr James Greener asks what many have been thinking: How secure is the state when the minister in charge of that kind of thing was unaware that his wife was running an international drug trafficking ring?
He doubts if the minister will feel any obligation to resign and expects a bland and convoluted statement about how his wife's extracurricular activities have had no impact on his own duties.
Similarly with government comment on the "American hunting excursion into Pakistan".
"It must have been prepared by someone whose real job is as an economic analyst in the financial sector, so perfect was the indecisive ambiguity of the words and sentences. It is completely unclear whether this country thinks that the death of a terrorist kingpin is good or bad."
ATMs
GREENER also notes that ATMs in the Vatican City offer Latin as a language option. "Presumably there is no number pad ... Amounts like 1 385 will take a little longer to figure out. (MCCCLXXXV)."
Tailpiece
THE TEN Commandments are not posted in any courthouse or Parliament. "Thou shalt not steal", "Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour" are reckoned, in a building full of lawyers and politicians, to create a hostile work environment.
Last word
Love is the difficult realisation that something other than oneself is real.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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