The Idler, Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Trying to frighten us

ALARMING news from Blighty. British women's breasts are getting bigger than ever, according to this news item. The N-cup bra - the biggest size ever made in Britain – has just been launched.

In the 50s the average woman fitted comfortably into a B-cup, but today underwear retailer Bravissimo estimates at least 60 percent of women in a C-cup should be wearing a D-cup — or larger. The average size is closer to a 34E than the 36C we're led to believe.

These mathematical statistics are baffling to mere men, but the underlying message comes through: Cor – wot a set of Bristols!

The news is alarming not so much in the sense of physical intimidation – we men will not be frightened, we will stand firm and not waver in the face of whatever – but because this undermines everything we have been striving for in Durban over the past few days.

The Tourism Indaba has showcased what Southern and East Africa has to offer: beaches, mountains, game reserves, river rafting, safaris, everything to make a visit memorable.

And now the Brits come along and tell the world how well-stacked their girls are. The British Tourism Authority will stop at nothing.

 

Angola attractions

THE TOURISM Indaba in a way reflects the gradual return to normality of some of the countries in the region. Angola was there, its stand extolling the natural wonders of the place which for three decades or so had been a hellhole of civil war.

Delegate Danilo Cruz spoke with enthusiasm of the way his country is trying to develop tourism to complement its massive oil revenues. The country, he explained, was recovering from many years of civil war.

"I know," I told him to his utter astonishment. "I heard the first shots of that civil war, in Sao Paulo Square, Luanda. It was a long time ago."

He's right about the natural wonders. You could fly over Angola for hours in a light aircraft and look down on virgin forest, undisturbed by even the tiniest village. The Kwanza River is a marvellous estuary running into the Atlantic, teeming with tarpin, a species of gamefish.

Today, on the banks of the Kwanza, the Quicama national park is managed by a Durban man, Roland Goetz, formerly of the Natal Parks Board and the Wilderness Leadership School.

Yes, normality returns. But it takes time.

Bling specs

THE INDABA is over. One of the more eccentric delegates - the Wild Man of Zambia - is about to return to his bush habitat in Kafue national park, strumming his fishing line braces, humming snatches of Dixie and dazzling all with a pair of bling spectacles bought off the rack here in Durban.

These have a conventional horn-rimmed appearance when looked at full-on, but each leg is adorned with a tasteful display of glittery artificial diamonds. A finishing touch would be to introduce to his Abraham Lincoln beard the glitter normally worn by striptease artists.

It's been an eventful Indaba for the Wild Man. I hope he re-adjusts to life in the bush.

 

Irish medicine

 

A READER sends in some extracts from an Irish medical dictionary:

 

·        Artery: The study of paintings.

 

·        Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.

 

·        Barium: What you do when a patient dies.

 

·        Benign: What you be, after you be eight.

 

·        Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome.

 

·        Catscan: Searching for Kitty.

 

·        Cauterise: Made eye contact with her.

 

·        Colic: A sheepdog.

 

·        Coma: A punctuation mark.

 

·        Dilate: Live long.

 

·        Enema: Not a friend.

 

·        Fester: Quicker than someone else.

 

·        Fibula: A small lie.

 

·        Impotent: Distinguished, well known.

 

·        Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work.

 

·        Medical staff: A Doctor's cane.

 

·        Morbid: A higher offer.

 

·        Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.

 

·        Node: I knew it.

 

·        Outpatient: Patient who has fainted.

 

·        Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.

 

·        Post operative: A letter carrier.

 

·        Recovery room: Place to do upholstery.

 

·        Rectum: Damn near killed him.

 

·        Secretion: Hiding something.

 

·        Seizure: Roman emperor.

 

·        Tablet: A small table.

 

·        Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

 

·        Tumour: One plus one more.

 

·        Urine: Opposite of you're out.

 

 

Tailpiece

WHAT'S green and takes an hour to drink?

A student grant cheque.

Last word

If there's anything unsettling to the stomach, it's watching actors on television talk about their personal lives.

Marlon Brando

GRAHAM LINSCOTT