Love is in the air
THE MUSE stirs among readers. More romance/squelch rhyming couplets have come in, the aim being to produce one line of high romance and another of completely the opposite.
A lass from Hillcrest, who prefers to remain anonymous, kicks off:
· I think I am in love with you,
Too bad it seems you've lost a screw.
I'm not entirely sure what she means by that.
· I dreamt of you the whole night long,
My gosh! That drink was far too strong!
· Your eyes remind me of the stars
I see when crowned by iron bars.
· Your laughter's like a rippling stream
Too bad it makes me want to scream.
· I faint whenever you are near
In case you will not disappear.
· I wish I'd met you years ago
Before you suffered from BO.
Pat McKrill, of Camperdown, gave up mowing the lawn to settle down at the keyboard.
The first batch of couplets is for guys who are trying to make a first impression. They should be spoken in dulcet tones from the bended-knee position – but out of slapping range.
· I've heard them say it was your face that launched a thousand ships.
But then again I'm not surprised - and aaagh, those ghastly hips!
· Your eyes, they glint like limpid pools, reflecting yonder light
But how come one of them is looking left, the other looking right?
· I stopped, I stared, I fell in love, the day I heard you talking
But now I've seen your other side, I should have kept on walking.
· They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder
But they also said the Titanic was unsinkable.
Hey, Pat, what kind of rhyme is that?
· The violins begin to play when you walk near to me,
Please won't you bring a few more beers, they're on the 16th Tee!
For the Girls:
· Your bulging muscles and six pack abs, a body to behold.
But garlic breath is not so good, should the truth be told.
· I love you darling - precious one - for what you really are,
Not for your money or your yacht, nor your fancy car.
· When I gaze upon your classic lines, and your finely chiselled features
I'm reminded of Jurassic Park and all those scary creatures.
· I tell you my beloved one, you keep the crowd enthralled,
Despite the fact you're short and fat and absolutely bald.
Are you getting at me, Pat?
Finally – and I bring you this with some reluctance because I do not wish to be held responsible for violence – a fellow (I presume it's a fellow) who calls himself SR dedicates his lines to HS.
That night that we met, your beauty blinded like fog;
But now that I'm sober ... you look like my dog.
Back to work
WELL, we're back at work. It's a little strange. I feel like writing to my MP because we have far too many working days in the year.
Highlight of the holiday break was, for me, a trip on the steam-drawn Paton Country narrow-gauge railway, at Ixopo, which I had not done for some years. Lovely autumnal colours in the grasses;wild flowers and clouds of butterflies of a purplish blue. And, of course, the hill country of which Alan Paton wrote so lyrically in Cry, the Beloved Country.
They're going out again on Mother's Day. Bookings: 082-3741417; 039-8342963.
Tailpiece
THE VICAR dropped in on Miss Beatrice, the 80-year-old spinster church organist. Her quaint sitting room had a Hammond organ. To the vicar's astonishment, it had on it a bowl of water in which floated a condom.
As tea progressed, he tried to ignore this strange decorative arrangement but eventually his curiosity got the better.
"Miss Beatrice, I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh yes, isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to keep it moist and place it on the organ to prevent infections. Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter?"
Last word
If you believe the doctors, nothing is wholesome; if you believe the theologians, nothing is innocent; if you believe the military, nothing is safe.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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