Extra, extra,
read all
about it!
HEADLINE of the year: "China may be using sea to hide its submarines". Yikes! Was that in our paper? No, it's from a website that specialises in nutty headlines around the world. Apparently it appeared in an unnamed Middle East publication.
It joins a gallery of the classics:
· "Monty flies back to front" – On Field Marshal Montgomery during World War II.
· "Allies' push bottles up German rear" – Also from World War II.
· "Out comes the Wilson chopper" – British prime minister Harold Wilson axes half his cabinet.
· "Marijuana issue sent to a joint committee."
· "One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers."
There are also the headlines that tell it all:
· "Woman in sumo wrestler suit assaulted by ex-girlfriend in gay pub after she waved at a man dressed as a Snickers bar".
· "Nudist camp manager's model wife found naked in bed with Chinese hypnotist from co-op bacon factory."
Of course there are plenty more but the best do not belong in a respectable family newspaper.
Salivation
WE'VE heard of Pavlov's dog. Pavlov was the 19th century Russian scientist who would ring a bell as his dog was fed, the dog eventually salivating whenever the bell was rung, whether food was there or not.
Now reader Jill Adams describes herself as Pavlov's human. She has a "Kitty Baby" that sleeps on her bed – in fact takes over the whole show.
She also has a decorative wooden tassle hanging on the bedroom door. Kitty Baby has discovered that when he plays with it, she leaps from her bed in a fright.
So when he wakes up in the early morning feeling peckish, he jumps out of bed, heads for the wooden rattle on the door, kicks up a racket then goes to his food bowl to wait for Jill to fill it up. It never fails.
Kitty Baby is obviously a Russian cat.
Fame, celebrity
MORE from Rosemarie Jarski's Great British Wit. Topic: Fame and Celebrity.
· You know you've made it in showbiz when you're known by one name. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kenny Lynch. - Mark Lamarr.
· My rise to fame was like climbing the north face of the Eiger in stiletto heels. – Russell Harty.
· I do not allow the word "famous" on the BBC. If a man really is famous, the word is redundant. If he is not, it is a lie. – Lord Reith.
· Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
Who the hell do you think you are? – Frank Taylor.
· I'm very big in Botswana. – Patricia Routledge.
· Being a personality is not the same as having a personality. – Alan Coren.
· There's something so incredibly downmarket about being famous. – Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.
· The real drawback with television celebrity as far as my own humble share of it is concerned is that it prevents me from ever showing annoyance at terrible service in a restaurant or from tutting with impatience in a supermarket queue. One has to face life's irritations with a benign and foolish grin all over one's face. – Stephen Fry.
· Literary fame is very limited; it's like being a famous taxidermist. – Ian McEwan.
· These days celebrities are endorsing all sorts of products. On my packet of sausages I noticed a photo of Anthony Worral Thompson. Underneath it said, "Prick with a fork". – Humphrey Lyttelton.
Tailpiece
WHY is the sea so restless?
Well wouldn't you be restless with crabs all over your bottom?
Last word
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