Sunday, June 10, 2018

The Idler, Thursday, June 7, 2018

Peacocks, rhinos charging

PEACOCKS in Canada are terrorising cars – especially expensive, dark, shiny cars that show their reflections clearly.

Peacocks of course originate in India, but they have gone wild in Surrey, British Columbia, according to Huffington Post. They are now roaming neighbourhoods, screeching loudly.

Says Surrey resident Ryan Cragg: "With the dark-coloured cars, they can see their reflection fairly clearly, so they mistake that for another peacock and have at it ... They'll get the front panel, the side panel, the rear panel and then work around to the other side."

Cragg says living in Surrey is "like living with a colicky baby from March all the way through to October." That part of the year is peafowl mating season, which leads to the piercing mating calls.

It recalls that there was once a black rhino at Hluhluwe who would charge a particular tour company's bus, on sight. It ignored all other vehicles but was enraged by this particular bus.

There was nothing shiny or reflective about this small bus – no way the rhino could have thought he was charging another rhino – but charge he did. Maybe he didn't like the company lettering on it.

The bus had a succession of dings down the side. The tourists had some magnificent footage. Quite a demand grew for that bus.

But there was no screeching as in Surrey, British Columbia. To be charged by a screeching rhino would be simply too much.

Comrades preview

A READER writes in: "This coming weekend is very special to me. It will mark 30 years in a row that I have not run the Comrades.

"I would like to thank my sponsors, Miller beer, Jagermeister, Steers, Pizza Del Forno, Milkyway, Nestle, Lazy boy Armchairs, DSTV, Pornhub … Thanks guys, without you this would not have been possible … keep it up."



SOME thoughts on ageing:

·         I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

·         Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

·         I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

·         I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the "Jim" this morning.

·         When I was a child I thought "Nap Time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

·         The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

·         Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.




MORE from Rosemarie Jarski's Great British Wit. Topic: Weather.

·       Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel certain they mean something else. – Oscar Wilde.

·       The climate of England  has been the world's powerful colonising influence. – Russell Green.

·       The rain was gusting against the window as if propelled by a trainee special effects man. – Kingsley Amis.

·       When I mowed my front lawn on April 22 in bright sunshine, it was necessary to break the continuity of the stripes to go around the snowman built the day befoire by my grandchildren. – David Pugh.

·       Lightning must, I think, be the wit of heaven. – Rev Sydney Smith.

·       It's spring in England. I missed it last year. I was in the bathroom. – Michael Flanders.

·       Summer has set in with its usual severity. – Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

·       It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to sit up. - W Somerset Maughm.

·       Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun. – Noel Coward.

·       If it gets much hotter in this country they'll be doing benefits for us in Africa. – Jonathan Ross.


THIS fellow answers a knock at his front door. Standing there is a 2m ladybird which proceeds to headbutt him, kick him in the crotch and stamp on his head.

He wakes up in hospital where he describes his ordeal to a doctor.

"You're the sixth case today, says the doc. "There's a nasty bug going about."

Last word

In modern America, anyone who attempts to write satirically about the events of the day finds it difficult to concoct a situation so bizarre that it may not actually come to pass while the article is still on the presses.

Calvin Trillin

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