The Idler, Tuesday, June 21

Night bus politics

TWO days to go in the British referendum on whether they should remain in or leave the EU.

The latest salvo is from Tory former cabinet minister Baroness Warsi, who says she would not like to be on a night bus with the "leave" campaigners. Previously she had supported their cause.

There's not much time now for the "leave" people to get across whether they would like to be on a night bus with Baroness Warsi. The opinion surveys show the two sides neck and neck.

The bookies show the "remain" camp winning, though not with the comfortable margin they had a couple of weeks ago. As far as can be ascertained, that other gambling emporium, the London Stock Exchange, takes a similar view.

What a catfight David Cameron set off by calling this referendum for no clear reason. And what a tragedy that it appears to have claimed the life of a young Labour MP – campaigning for "remain" - at the hands of a madman, no doubt activated by all the excitement.

Lots of people you would rather not be with on a night bus.

Kid snitch

AN AMERICAN kid turned in his dad for jumping a red traffic light. Police in the Massachusetts city of Quincy were astonished to get a 911 call from a six-year-old telling them: "Daddy went through a red light".

The audio has been released by the police, according to Sky News.

The dispatcher asks to speak to the father, who then comes on the line laughing in embarrassment and apologising.

They left it at that. One hopes the kid is not growing up into an inveterate snitch.

 

 

 

Missing lid

THE lid of one of Britain's oldest football cups – the Saturday County Cup, played for in the North Riding of Yorkshire - has gone missing.

The cup has been played for since 1880, according to the BBC, but the lid went missing sometime between the 1960s and the 1980s.

The local football association are now appealing for information as to what might have happened to it, presuming it is now a trophy on somebody's mantelpiece or some such place.

The plan is to put the cup on display in the National Football Museum in Manchester, but it is very much lacking without its lid.

Dave Roberts of the North Riding FA says: "We believe it's the second oldest cup in the world that's been continuously played for. There is one problem, we've lost the lid.

"We need to find a hero. There is a hero out there who knows something about the lid, either about its demise, or it's hanging on a wall or is on a mantelpiece."

They could get another lid made, but there's no need to rush – otherwise they could end up with a cup with two lids.

That's what happened with the York and Lancaster Cup (rugby) in Maritzburg. It was presented by the York and Lancaster regiment - who had been garrisoned in the capital and played rugby in the local league - when they left after Union in 1910.

Then the lid went missing. It was remade using photographs of the trophy. Then the missing lid turned up again. So the York and Lancaster Cup now has two lids.

I suppose it would be asking too much of coincidence for that spare lid to fit the Saturday County Cup.

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Tailpiece

 

MURPHY is a gifted portrait artist. People from all over Ireland come to his home at Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likeness.

Then one day a beautiful English actress arrives in a Rolls Royce and asks him to paint her in the nude. Money is no object, she says. Would £10 000 do?

 

Murphy says he must consult with his good wife. They discuss the rights and wrongs of it in the kitchen, and then he returns to the actress.

 

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus. De wife says it's okay. I'll paint you in de nude all right; but one condition. I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
 

 

Last word

 

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.

W Somerset Maugham