Heap bad feller
NEWS from the US presidential campaign. British theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking has been dragged into it, according to the New Yorker.
"The theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking angered supporters of Donald J Trump by responding to a question about the billionaire with a baffling array of long words.
"Speaking to a television interviewer in London, Hawking called Trump 'a demagogue who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator,' a statement that many Trump supporters believe was intentionally designed to confuse them.
"Moments after Hawking made the remark, Google reported a sharp increase in searches for the terms 'demagogue,' 'denominator' and 'Stephen Hawking'.
"'For a so-called genius, this was an epic fail,' Trump's campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, said. 'If Professor Hawking wants to do some damage, maybe he should try talking in English next time.'
"Later in the day, Hawking attempted to clarify his remark about the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, telling a reporter: 'Trump bad man. Real bad man.'"
Lovely stuff from satirist Andy Borowitz.
Heavy element
SCIENCE news. Physicists at Cern, in Geneva, have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known.
The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.
All this has the ring of truth. It is no joke. It first appeared in an academic journal, The Physics Teacher, and has spread like wildfire about the world's university campuses.
Paws for effect
ROB Nicolai, Howick's resident theoretical physicist, turns his hand to English grammar.
"What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause."
I think the immensity and mystery of the cosmos must be getting at him.
Snails study
SCIENTISTS in England have discovered that snails make complex decisions using just two brain cells. It is a discovery with great implications, they say, for developing energy-efficient robots.
According to Sky News, researchers at the University of Sussex attached electrodes to the brain circuitry of freshwater snails. They found that the molluscs use only two neurons when they find a tasty lettuce and decide whether or not to eat it.
This is no doubt a breakthrough. On the other hand, when last did a freshwater snail make a quick decision of breathtaking scope or lasting social impact?
Tailpiece
FIVE Germans arrive at the Italian border in an Audi Quattro. The Italian customs officer stops them and says:" It'sa illegal to putta da five people in a Quattro."
"Vot you mean illegal?".
"Quattro meana four."
"Quattro is ze name of ze bloomin' automobile. Look ze damn papers: ze car is designed to karry five people."
"You canta pulla thata one on me. Quattro meana four. You have five-a people ina your car, youarra breaking da law."
"Dumkopf! Get ze supervisor here. Some-vun viz brains!"
"He can'ta come. He a busy wit da two guys in da Fiat Uno."
Last word
If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there.
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