Love and harmony
IN THE interests of love and harmony between man and woman, a Demerit System has been devised for the guidance of men. It is based on two fundamental principles: The woman is always right; and her happiness is paramount.
The Demerit System works on points. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
For example:
Simple duties: You make the bed (+1); you make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows (-10); you throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-3); you go out to buy her what she wants (+5); in the rain (+8); but return with beer (-5).
Protective duties: You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1); you check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0); you check out a suspicious noise, and it is something (+5); you pummel it with an iron rod (+10); it's her pet Schnauzer (-30).
Social engagements: You stay by her side for the entire party (+1); you stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2); named Tina (-10); Tina is a dancer (-20);Tina has breast implants (-40).
Her birthday: You take her out to dinner (+2); you take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar (+3); okay, it's a sports bar (-2); and its all-you-can-eat night (-3); it's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10).
A night out: You take her to a movie (+1); you take her to a movie she likes (+5); you take her to a movie you hate (+6); you take her to a movie you like (-2); it's called Death Cop (-3); you lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15).
Your physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15); you develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10); you develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30); you say to her: "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80).
The big question: She asks: "Do I look fat?" (-5); (Yes, you lose points no matter what); you hesitate in responding (-10); you reply: "Where?" (-35); you give any other response (-40).
Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying a concerned expression (+2); you listen, for over 30 minutes (+50); you listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500); she realises this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4 000)
This is most useful. It's also being marketed as "Map of the Minefield".
Old riddle
THIS week's piece on tax rates reminds Doug McGarr of an old riddle.
Three people check in to a hotel room. The owner says the bill is R30, (this is a very old riddle) so each guest pays R10.
Later the owner realises that the account should only be R25. To rectify the mistake he gives the maid R5 to give to the guests.
On the way to the room, the maid realises that she can't divide the money equally. As the guests don't know the total of the revised account, the maid decides to give each guest R1 and keep the R2 for herself.
Each guest gets R1 back. So now each guest has paid R9, bringing the total paid by the guests to R27 and the maid has R2. R27 plus R2 makes R29. The guests originally paid in R30 – so what happened to the missing R1?
Search me, Doug. I'm absolutely thrown by the reminder that there was a time when you could get a hotel; room for R10.
Tailpiece
SHE'S carrying parcels and can't step up on to the bus because of her tight skirt. She gropes backward and unzips it half. It doesn't help. She unzips it the whole way. Then the fellow behind lifts her bodily on board.
She's furious. "How dare you lay hands on me like that?"
"Well, after you unzipped me I figured we were old friends."
Last word
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
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