The Idler, Thursday, June 16, 2016

The Great Game

THERE was something very familiar about the tactics of the Russians in France the other night as they outflanked the English spectators then gave them a dishing. Yes of course, it was just like when they took over the Crimea.

Crack troops wearing no insignia or badge of rank, appearing out of nowhere, highly organised, and just socking it to 'em.

Who thought Vladimir would take it lying down, his athletes accused of government-sponsored drug abuse and possibly barred from the Olympics? And now Maria Sharapova too.

He's a crafty one is Putin. He knows he can't take on Nato. But he can duff up football spectators, turn Euro 2016 into a battlefield. It's happening.

The next move, according to strategic analysts, is likely to be a fomenting of outrage throughout Western society at the removal of Sharapova's lovely legs from women's tennis.

They don't play chess for nothing, those Ruskies. They know all the moves. Expect another cultural shock attack involving the Bolshoi Ballet.

The Cold War hasn't ended, it's merely being played on a different chessboard. At the moment it's a rerun of Kipling's Great Game – Russia versus the Brits -  but maybe the Yanks will start paying attention when the Russians take up gridiron and baseball.

It's an insidious thing. Sharapova's legs – their removal from circulation can indeed cause widespread discontent.

Jonathan Livingstone …

A SEAGULL in Gloucestershire, England, has turned bright orange. He's being cared for at a wildlife hospital near Tewkesbury, partly in an attempt to restore his natural colour but mainly to protect him from being eaten alive by a football fan.

This complicated story needs a little unravelling. The gull was trying to scavenge a piece of meat at a food processing plant, according to Sky News, when it fell into a vat of chicken tikka masala.

Staff rescued him from the vat, but his feathers were instantly dyed bright orange. Not only that – he's the only seagull in the world who gives off a delicious aroma of chicken tikka masala, a favourite of football fans after the game and a few pints.

Staff at the wildlife hospital say they are making slow progress getting rid of the orange colouring with washing-up liquid but they're making no progress at all in getting rid of the curry aroma.

Tewkesbury special – seagull tikka masala - except the feller is very much alive, flapping about vigorously and has a large, vicious beak.

At least it's being sorted out in a quiet county like Gloucestershire. In a place like Northern Ireland an orange seagull could cause civil unrest.

 

Humility

SPORTSWEAR giant Adidas has produced promotional material for the Copa America football tournament in its centenary year. Unfortunately, however, Adidas missspelled the name of one of the participants, Colombia, as "Columbia".

Adidas has apologised, withdrawn the material and set about reworking it.

This indicates a gratifying if unexpected humility on the part of a sports sponsor. Most of them would have insisted that the country change the spelling of its name.

Tailpiece

A BLONDE motorist is about two hours from San Diego, in the US, when she's flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. He asks: "Are you  going to San Diego?"
 
"Sure, do you need a lift?"
 
"Not for me. I'll be  spending the next few hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two  chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're  a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.  Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your  trouble."

"I'd be happy to."

So the two chimpanzees  are ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped  into their seat belts. Off they go.

A few hours later the  truck driver is going through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he's  horrified. There's the blonde  walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the  amusement of a following crowd.
 
He pulls off the road and runs over to the blonde. "What are you doing? I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!" 
 
"Yes, I know. But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World aquarium."
 

Last word

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. - Mark Twain