Woof-woof arrest
A COLLEGE football player in America has been arrested for barking at a police dog.
University of Florida linebacker Antonio Morrison walked up to the open window of a police car and barked at the dog inside. The dog barked back and Morrison was arrested. He has been charged with interfering with a police dog.
Yes, the Fuzz do not take kindly to that kind of thing. I was a passenger in a vehicle in congested traffic in Durban one evening. A police car came alongside, a dog barking furiously on the back seat.
"Hey," said the fellow driving our car to the cop alongside. "Where did you get that animal?"
"You mind your own business."
"I was talking to the dog."
At which the traffic light changed to green and we were able to swing away left into Soldiers Way. The cop car was stuck in the next lane, both coppers craning their necks furiously after us and the dog still barking.
I've a feeling they would have liked to pounce, but for the traffic. You're not allowed to talk to police dogs – nowhere in the world.
The name buzz
THE PUNTERS are abuzz. The agony aunts are in overdrive. The stock exchanges of London, New York, Hamburg, Singapore and Beijing are on hold as they wait. Tattersalls are going crazy.
What will the name be of Britain's new royal baby? Will it be a traditional George or Albert? A James? Will it be something romantically mystical like Arthur – harking back to the Camelot legend and the Round Table? Or will it be something entirely new?
What's wrong with Archie? It's a perfectly good name. Prince Archie, eventually to become King Archie. It has a nice ring.
I wonder what Ladbrokes will give me on Archie?
Weird logic
SOME of us thrive on anagrams. Some of us (myself included) find them pretty perverse, a really irksome part of pub quizzes. But here's a collection with a kind of weird logic:
· Presbyterian – Best in prayer.
· Astronomer – Moon starer.
· The eyes – They see.
· The morse code – Here come dots.
· Dormitory – Dirty room.
· Slot machines – Cash lost in me.
· Animosity – Is no amity.
· Election results – Lies, let's recount.
· Snooze alarms – Alas, no more Zs.
· A decimal point – I'm a dot in place.
· The earth quakes – That queer shake.
· Eleven plus two – Twelve plus one.
· Mother-in-law – Woman Hitler.
Turtle bust
TWO PEOPLE have been arrested at the airport in Calcutta (or Kolkata, as they now seem to call it) for smuggling in 10 000 tiny live turtles.
That's a lot of turtles to hide in your pantaloons. But actually they were packed into suitcases which had been on a conveyor belt, waiting to be picked up. They roused the suspicions of customs officials who searched them and found the exotic live contraband.
The suitcases were traced to the two passengers, who are Indian nationals who had arrived from China, via Singapore.
Ten thousand at a time. No wonder sea turtles are endangered.
Tailpiece
A SCOT goes into a bank in Central London and asks for a loan of £5 000 as he's going to Australia on business for two weeks.
"For a loan we need security."
"You can have my Ferrari. It's parked outside." He hands over the keys, documents and logbook of a new Ferrari. Everything checks out.
A bank employee drives the car into the bank's underground garage. The paperwork is completed and the Scotsman is given his loan. The bank people are highly amused at a £120 000 Ferrari being collateral for a £5 000 loan.
Two weeks later the Scot returns and repays the £5 000 plus interest, which comes to £15.41.
Bank manager: "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business. While you were away we checked on you and found that you're a multi- millionaire. Why on earth did you need to borrow £5 000 from us?"
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"Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return:"
Last word
The best time to plant an oak tree was twenty-five years ago. The second best time is today.
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