Some classic headlines
THE RAMBLING, information-packed newspaper headline has become practically an art form. Reader Eric Hodgson sends in some classics of the genre. Here goes:
· "Woman in sumo wrestling suit assaulted her ex-girlfriend in gay pub after she waved at man dressed as a Snicker bar".
· "Brazilian man dies after cow falls through his roof on top of him".
· "WEDDING DRAMA: Best man left bleeding after being hit in head by flying dildo … and wait until you hear where it came from".
· "I bottle-fed my children – but I breastfeed my pug dog!
· "Gay man who tried to poison lesbian neighbours with slug pellets over three-legged cat feud walks free".
· "Lexus driver hits cyclist, he bounces off windscreen: he fails to stop, drags bike for 2km: Court told: SHE THOUGHT CYCLIST WAS A TREE BRANCH".
· "Being bullied? Just act less gay, advise teachers".
· "Shakira attacked by sea lion: Blackberry mistaken for fish".
Yes, those are right up there with one of my old favourites from the erstwhile News of the World: "NUDIST CAMP MANAGER FINDS MODEL WIFE NAKED IN BED WITH CHINESE HYPNOTIST FROM CO-OP BACON FACTORY".
Now read on.
Company
YESTERDAY'S paper featured a picture of Kirobo, a humanoid communications robot manufactured in Japan, who walks about and talks. Kirobo has now been fired in a rocket into outer space, to board the International Space Station, where he will be joined later by fellow-Japanese human Koichi Wakata..
Kirobo stands only 34cm tall and weighs about 1kg. He is capable of recognising human voice and speech and has pre-programmed responses and actions to questions. He can also create verbal responses based on past conversations.
I suppose any company is better than none. But wouldn't Koichi have preferred a geisha girl?
Class act
AMERICAN rock group Bloodhound Gang has been barred from a music festival in Russia after a band member shoved the country's flag into his underpants during a gig.
Bassist Jared Hasselhoff put the flag into the front of his pants and then pulled it out of the back during a concert in the Ukrainian city of Odessa.
It ended up on YouTube and Moscow reacted angrily by stopping the band from playing at Kuban, in the Krasnodar Black Sea region, telling them to pack their bags and go home.
It's nice to know that rock groups have lost none of their delicacy and reluctance to offend.
Spooked
A COLONY of baboons at a Dutch zoo have baffled staff by turning their backs on visitors and huddling together in fear. The colony at Dierenpark Emmen have spent days sitting silently in trees and perched on rocks after something appears to have spooked them..
It is the first time zoologists have seen such behaviour in baboons, either in captivity or in the wild.
A possible theory for their behaviour is that a predator wandered into their enclosure, or they spotted an image of one on a visitor's T-shirt. Others say they might have felt an earthquake or some other natural disaster. Some even suggest they were spooked by a UFO.
Perhaps somebody slipped them a copy of the Manase Report. That's enough to spook anything.
Health notes
SOME health notes come this way:
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include a desire to sing karaoke all-night.
Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz…
Tailpiece
WHAT lives at the bottom of the ocean and goes plink, plank, plunk?
A piano tuna.
Last word
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
No comments:
Post a Comment