The hunt gives tongue
THE MANASE Report has at last broken cover, pursued by the hounds. Its reputed 7 000 pages will no doubt contain all kinds of drama. All kinds of disturbing skullduggery is suggested in what has been dug out so far. Tally-ho!
Who remembers the James Commission Report, way back in 1966? This too revealed all kinds of disturbing council skulduggery.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
The James Commission pretty swiftly led to the incumbent mayor going to jail. One of his predecessors did not return – ever – from an overseas trip. The chief constable of the day went to jail.
The more things change, it seems, the more they don't quite stay the same.
Dynamite
THE James Commission report was dynamite such as Durban had never known. This newspaper had its front page ready; page after page of the detail inside. Then the same day a messenger down at Parliament, in Cape Town, stabbed Prime Minister Verwoerd to death with a carving knife.
What did one do? You can have only one front page. In the end the Mercury kept its James Commission front page, as planned, and printed a four-page special wrap-around on the Verwoerd assassination.
Stirring times they were.
Enigmatic count
A RIDDLE wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. That's how Churchill described Russia. The same can be said, it seems, of European aristocracy.
A certain Count Nicholas Czardas wrote in recently with sound information about Peterhouse, a school in Zimbabwe. One presumes he has some connection with Peterhouse. But he says he is a proud old boy of "Chelmsford College", KwaZulu-Natal.
As pointed out last week, there's no such institution in KZN and never has been. The only Chelmsford College is – oddly enough - in Chelmsford, Essex, England.
But Count Czardas now writes back saying: "I assure you that I remember the cold showers and other rigours of the English-public-school-replanted style of education as if it were yesterday." He also supplies his web address.
This states: "Fifteen things you may not have known about Count Nicholas Czardas":
· He was born in Malaga, in Spain, the same city as Picasso.
· He has never lived in South Korea.
· His correct name is Count Niklas László Ede Almásy de Zsadány et Törökszentmiklós et Czardas (or alternatively zsadányi és törökszentmiklósi és csaredas gróf Almásy László Niklas Ede)
· He was born prematurely during a weekend house party at Stewart Gore-Brown's Shiwa Ngandu in then Northern Rhodesia (now Zambia). He was so small that he was placed in a shoebox then in the warmer drawer of the Aga coal stove.
· He frequently has champagne for breakfast.
· He knows who the Phantom Engineer is.
· He has no idea what cushions are for.
· He was reported to have dated Diane Krall once upon a time.
· His family is not the inspiration for the Addams Family.
· He was once a member of the Junior National Party.
· He was born in Patagonia during a violent thunderstorm that flooded several nearby villages.
· He is particularly fond of trout fishing, dogs, polo, beautiful women and red wine.
· He has had nothing to do with engineering Julius Malema's imminent downfall.
· He was born in a small village in the hill country of India during Diwali.
· He once hit the worst ever golf shot in the entire history of the Underberg Golf Club.
Yes, a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. Who is the Phantom Engineer? Who is Diane Krall? (Would it be Diana Krall the Canadian jazz pianist and singer?)
And how can the good count have been born simultaneously in Spain, Northern Rhodesia, Patagonia and India? (If he managed that, perhaps he did go to Chelmsford College, KZN).
Is Count Niklas László Ede Almásy de Zsadány et Törökszentmiklós et Czardas a trick done with mirrors?
Riddles, mystery, enigma. A member of the Junior National Party? That's worse than the duff golf shot at Underberg.
Tailpiece
"MUM," she wails. "John and I had a dreadful fight."
"Calm down, calm down. It's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight."
"I know. But what do I do with the body?"
Last word
The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
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