Let's box clever
VERVET monkeys are proving a nuisance at Durban schools, snatching at food in the playgrounds, scratching and biting. Various stratagems have been tried without success, such as setting up feeding stations to keep them away from the children. Surprise, surprise! This has only attracted more monkeys.
Is it not time to box clever? Here's something for the school authorities of Clifton, Danville Park Girls' High and Manor Gardens Primary.
When these monkeys arrive, entice them into a classroom, close the door and bombard them with Virgil, French irregular verbs and a geometry theorem or two.
Then let them out. You will never see them again.
School grub
ALTERNATIVELY, they could invite the monkeys into the school dining hall and force-feed them what's on offer there. That would drive them away but it could also get them into trouble with the SPCA.
At Maritzburg College the cook used to roll the meatballs with mince under his armpit. And that was on the good days. Even the hungriest monkey would run a mile from that.
But perhaps I'm living in the past. They tell me school meals these days are healthy, balanced and nutritious.
Sigh! And they wonder why they've got monkeys.
Ear, 'ear!
AMERICAN scientists say they have moved a step closer to being able to grow a complete human ear from a patient's cells.
In a new development in tissue engineering, they have grown a human-like ear from animal tissue.
The ear has the flexibility of a real ear, say researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital, in Boston.
The technique may one day be used to help people with missing or deformed outer ears, they believe.
Tissue engineering is a growing field in medical science, where substitute organs are made in the laboratory in the hope of using them to replace damaged ones.
Is this science gone mad? Or is it a service to humanity to gain the capability to replace the damaged ears of lock forwards such as Bakkies Botha?
Caution is required. The ear the Massachusetts folk have produced – strung on a piece of wire – bears a disturbing resemblance to the ears of Prince Charles. This is not in the interests of humanity.
The Plum
DURBAN to Dublin – Plummers moves on. A door closes, another opens. From Super rugby and Currie Cup rugby to international rugby. Former coach John Plumtree leaves, I am sure, with the best wishes of this province's fans and a deep sense of gratitude for his contribution – as a player in Natal's first-ever Currie Cup win and as the man behind two more Currie Cup victories and astonishing success besides in both competitions.
Also a deep sense of regret and embarrassment at the manner of his departure. It's what's known as a handling error.
Social issue
WE ARE OBLIGED to reader Esmond Naidoo for this guidance on an important social issue:
Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
· Innovative.
· Preliminary.
· Proliferation;.
· Cinnamon.
Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
· Specificity.
· Anti-constitutionalistically.
· Passive-aggressive disorder.
· Transubstantiate.
Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
· No thanks, I'm married.
· Nope, no more booze for me.
· Sorry, but you're not really my type.
· No thanks, I'm not hungry.
· Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
· Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
· I'm not interested in fighting you.
· Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
· Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to use this parking lot or the side of the road.
· I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
Yes, a lot of truth there. We are dismissed by the police of Leith, the police of Leith dismisseth us.
Tailpiece
| "Honey, I made two grand profit on selling your old car." "Why don't we spend it all on one luxurious night?" "Honey, I work in finance. I warn my clients about this sort of thing all the time." |
Last word
The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
No comments:
Post a Comment