Over to the Bard
A READER who uses the nom-de-plume William Shakespeare sends in a little story:
Nelson Mandela's daughters Makaziwe and Zenani are suing their father for the rights to his art-works and control of his millions.
King Lear's daughters Goneril and Reagan barred their doors against him, thrust him out into the storm.
'You see me here, you gods, a poor old man,
As full of grief as age; wretched in both:
If it be you that stir these daughters' hearts
Against their father, fool me not so much
To bear it tamely; touch me with noble anger.
O, let not women's weapons, water-drops,
Stain my man's cheeks …
O fool, I shall go mad!'
Customs confusion
KIDDY rock star Justin Bieber could be about to lose custody of his pet monkey. Mally, a 17-weeks-old Capuchin monkey, was seized by German customs officials at Munich airport when the Canadian singer arrived with the correct papers for his pet.
Bieber was held up for some time while the monkey was put into quarantine at the airport, then later sent to the Munich Animal Protection League animal shelter. But Bieber has failed to reclaim Mally within the specified time, meaning he could now be confiscated and become the property of Germany.
It's amazing what the consequences can be when customs official detain the wrong youthful primate.
Tourism push
CHINA is pushing for international tourism. The government has appealed to hotels and restaurants to pull out all the stops. A welcome letter from a hotel comes this way:
"Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The hotel bus runs along the lake and you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know the hotel is near, because you will go round the bend.
"As you come into the hotel, our beautiful manager will offer welcome drinks and then have intercourse with all new guests.
"This is a family hotel, so adultery and children are welcome.
"Guests are invited to mate in the bar and expose themselves to others. It is good to have intercourse with others and become fast friends.
"But please note that ladies are not allowed to have their babies in the bar. With our help they can be delivered in the baby centre.
"We organise social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with himself.
"Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity.
"All your needs are from room service. Please feel free to ring for the chambermaid and take advantage of her.
'When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will struggle to forget it."
Not bad, but it does need a little work. Now who can say all this in Cantonese?
Roo attack
AN AUSTRALIAN politician was attacked by a kangaroo as he went for a morning jog in Canberra.
The 1.4m kangaroo lashed out with his hind legs, knocking Rattenbury to the pavement. He needed treatment in hospital for claw gashes.
Rattenbury is a member of the Green party. Right - that 'roo would have run a mile from Julia Guillard.
Straight news
SKY NEWS has a prolific correspondent in Italy. His despatches are absolutely straight up and down and to the point.
His name: Nick Pisa. Nothing slanted about his reporting.
Tailpiece
PRESIDENT Barack Obama visits a Glasgow hospital. He enters a ward full of patients. He greets one, who replies:
Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.
Obama grins and moves on. The next patient responds:
Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.
His grin now rictus-like, the president moves onto the next patient who begins to chant:
Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle …
Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks: "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No, it's the serious Burns unit."
Last word
Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it.
George Orwell
No comments:
Post a Comment