Hazardous mission
LAST week we considered the international scourge of the Hulkettes – women in green body paint and with dyed red hair who go about punching other women and seizing men in amorous embrace.
The first incident – involving assault – took place in the city of York, in England, where the victim was given a black eye.
The second involved myself at the Street Shelter for the Over-40s, where I narrowly escaped being ravished by this creature.
Now reader Dave Hudson tells me York is where he was born. Tomorrow he and his good missus leave on a visit to York and he says he will go out of his way to find out more about this female Incredible Hulk, for whom the police are still looking.
Do that, Dave, but be very careful. Practise your ju jitsu. These Hulkettes want to have their way with a man and are incredibly strong and persistent. A necklace of garlic would be a sensible precaution.
Our own York
YORK, New York … not everyone knows we also have a York here in KwaZulu-Natal.
York, situated between Maritzburg and Greytown, hasn't quite caught up with its ancient mother city in England and it's been overtaken by its American cousin.
In fact York today consists of a church, a trading store and a couple of dilapidated houses. But its now vacant plots are still to be discerned and those who have inherited title are still allowed to graze their livestock on the town commonage.
York went into decline when the colonial government was pushing through a railroad to Umvoti County. The townsfolk petitioned the Governor against routing it through York because they did not want "sinful influences from the coast". The line was routed through New Hanover instead.
New Hanover is going strong. But it does face the menace of women in green body paint and with hair dyed red.
Beer is best
MARITZBURG College is 150 years old this year and the anniversary is being marked at a series of functions.
They recently had a veterans' lunch for old boys who left in 1955 or earlier. Guest of honour was Cyril Crompton who, at 96, is believed to be the oldest living Old Collegian.
Cyril laid a wreath at the war memorial, which must have been especially poignant for him because he left College at the age of 16 and very soon found himself under arms in World War II, where he eventually found himself enduring incredible hardship as a POW on a forced march across eastern Europe in midwinter, ahead of the advancing Soviet army. He describes it all with wry humour in his contribution to a book, Luck's Favours (Echoing Green Press).
Charles drove himself down from Johannesburg for the lunch, then back again afterwards. Asked to what he attributes his longevity, he replied: "Charles Glass" – which, as most of us know, is code for Castle beer.
You can't keep a College boy down.
Loyalty undiminished
ROB NICOLAI, Howick's resident astrophysicist, quantum mechanic and towering intellect, has taken the Sharks' defeat last Saturday very badly indeed.
He suggests a name change to "Shucks" and the appointment of Leon Schuster as coach.
However, to prove his undiminished loyalty he offers consolation and counselling to the Sharks cheerleader gals.
Strangely, he also accuses me of having failed to set him up with a date with one of these young ladies. I can't understand it, Brian van Zyl told me he is giving it top priority. Maybe Brian's got a bit much on his plate these days. I'll try John Smit.
Blank verse
I DON'T know quite what to make of this contribution by Ahmed Bassa, which he submits with apologies to the Irish.
There was a young man called the Idler
Who sometimes was confused with a fiddler.
One day he received a limerick (but not from Ireland)
So he thought it would be a gimmick
Until he printed it
And Boy did he know it.
Young man? I'm flattered, Ahmed. But it's a mistake anyone could make.
Tailpiece
Gynaecologist: "Well, everything seems fine after the birth. How's your libido?"
Blonde patient: "My what?"
Gynaecologist: "You libido. Do you feel like having sex?"
Blonde patient" "Well okay, but we'll have to be quick. My husband's waiting downstairs in the car."
Last word
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.
No comments:
Post a Comment