The Idler, Friday, July 27, 2012

A book in the post PRESIDENT JZ merely scratches the surface when he blames Verwoerd for the non-delivery of textbooks to the schoolchildren of Limpopo Province. Research indicates that the non-delivery can be traced right back to 1652 and the landing of Jan van Riebeeck in Table Bay. His historic words as he stepped ashore from the Dromedaris in his plumed hat and plus-fours were: "Hier planten onz vandacht een volk. Maar de kinderen van Limpopo Provintie – die zal nooit skoolboeken krij niet!" These chilling words were to be left in abeyance for a few years as Van Riebeeck messed about with priorities like building a castle and planting a hedge of bitter almonds. But the purpose was never abandoned. Nor by his successors, Simon van der Stel, Willem Adriaan van der Stel and the rest. Willem Adriaan in particular was a zealot who sent scouting parties, known as Trekboere, far into the interior to survey the lands just south of the Limpopo and make sure – make absolutely bliksemse blerrie seker – that schoolbooks would never get through there. When people like Lord Charles Somerset took over on behalf of the donderse Engelse, they also took over the Limpopo mission. When Sir Harry Smith was going about naming towns after himself and his wife, he never took his beady eye off Limpopo to make sure no schoolbooks would ever get through. How do I know all this? One of the history books intended for Limpopo Province came to me through the post. Lay off Angie Motshekga! She's a victim of colonialism!   Howick Collider   ROB NICOLAI, Howick's Chief Investigator of Particle Physics, says he's decided to build in the town a Large Hadron Collider similar to the one at Cern, in Switzerland, so that he can continue his research into the Higgs Boson.   It will cost about €24 billion and he wonders if Mercury readers would be prepared to pass the hat around in the interests of science?   I'm sure that would be no problem. I wonder how Rob's date went – the one I organised for him with the Sharks cheerleader?

Eye of newt …

SCIENTISTS in California have managed to make a jellyfish that swims of its own accord, using pulsating rat heart cells.

The Medusoid – as it's known – is made of transparent elastic silicone onto which the muscle pattern of a jellyfish has been printed. The protein molecules from rats' hearts were added and, in response to a five-volt electric current, they contract and cause the Medusoid to swim.

I know this sounds a bit like the cauldron scene in MacBeth, but science marches on relentlessly. Next they'll introduce stinging cells and –Presto! – the Medusoid will ruin bathing on the California beaches.

Theirs and ours

 

THE REVERBERATIONS of the First Test at the Oval continue. The London Times has a cartoon. Two old buffers are sitting glumly at the Oval with their pints of beer.

 

One says: "Their South Africans are better than our South Africans."

 

 

 

Sporting glory

 

MEANWHILE, so overcome with the sports achievements is Ian Gibson, poet laureate of Hillcrest, that he has penned not one but two limericks.

 

That superb batsman called Hashim

Played long and heroically to smash 'em;

So calm and assured,

All attacks he endured,

Giving his team enough time to then thrash 'em.

 

Then:

 

That golfing 'old' stalwart called Ernie,

Thanked Madiba for winning his tourney;

His putter on fire,

He went to the wire,

Adding the Open to our week's sporting glory.

 

Tailpiece

 

"HOW DID your new job as a store greeter go?"

 

"Not well. Lasted only a day.

 

"How's that?"

 

 

"About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. "I said pleasantly: 'Good morning and welcome to Sunshine Superstore. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' "This ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say: 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's nine, and the other one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I said: 'Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Sunshine Superstore.' "My supervisor said I'm probably not cut out for this line of work."

 

Last word

Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?

Artemus Ward