Trial by jury
IN AMERICA they have Stella Awards, named for 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who successfully sued McDonald's after she scalded herself with hot coffee. She had taken the lid off the coffee container and put it between her knees while driving.
Here, in ascending order, are the latest Stella Awards:
· Kathleen Robertson, of Austin , Texas. She was awarded $80 000 after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running about in a furniture store. The toddler was her own son.
· Carl Truman, of Los Angeles, California. He got $74 000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
· Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , was leaving a house he had just burgled, by way of the garage. The automatic garage door opener malfunctioned. Forced to sit for eight days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the home-owner's insurance company for mental anguish. He was awarded $500 000.
· Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14 500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle. Williams did not get as much as he asked because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked because Williams had climbed over the fence and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
· Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, was awarded $113 500, after she slipped on a spilled soft drink in a Philadelphia restaurant and broke her tailbone. Thirty seconds earlier she had thrown the soft drinkl at her boyfriend in an argument.
· Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club because she fell from the bathroom window, knocking out her two front teeth. She had been trying to sneak through the ladies' room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. The night club had to pay her $12 000 plus dental expenses.
· Now a drum roll for the winner! Mrs Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, bought a new Winnebago motor home. Having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. The motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her$1 750 000 plus a new motor home.
That's nothing. I'm suing the Street Shelter for the Over-40s for the graspingly aggressive lady who was inflicted on me during a recent Paul Jones.
July fever
READER Anant Jay, of Phoenix, sends in a July Handicap narrative:
The Duke of Castlethorpe announced in Top Seller magazine that whoever retrieved his stolen Sage Throne would be rewarded with Gold Onyx and his only daughter's hand in marriage. She was a Beach Beauty and had everyone Vettel for her attention at the Chesalton Festival at Podmodoro.
There were innumerable Tales of Bravery in the process and competitors ranged from a Royal Bencher and Frenchman in Pierre Jourdan to a Gorongosa who caught Whiteline Fever while he was Polar Bound.
Just as the Duke was about to reconcile himself with never seeing his prized possession again, a Solo Traveller from South Africa saved the day. Two weeks later he was duly rewarded and a lavish wedding was held in an English Garden in Eton Square. When Jackson was asked when he would be taking home his lovely bride, Ilha Bella, he simply replied: "Smanjemanje!"
Hey, some Fanakalo plus a new English verb to "vettel". It goes well with the Beans.
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Tailpiece
ON A TRAIN from London to Manchester, an American is berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
"Look at me. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman: "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
Last word
The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet.
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