A bit of history
IT WAS IN the Great Hall of the glorious Empire of Bling-Bling. The courtiers were in decorous conversation with one of the great queens, consorts of the Mighty Emperor.
"What say the peasants, O Lord High Chancellor?"
"The peasants are revolting, O mighty Queen."
"Yes, they always were revolting – Ugh!"
"I speak literally, O mighty lady. They are up in arms. They say the Emperor has purchased an expensive new Sky Chariot while they starve. They suffer disease, there is no medical help, they have no cash and they are desperate. They lack even the means to purchase bread."
"Bread? Let them fly Business Class. The snacks are good. And they also serve cake."
Mum's the word
LITTLE girls and their mothers – a series of questions to girls in their second year of school in Britain sheds light on the relationship:
Why did God make mothers?
· She's the only one who knows where the Selotape is.
· Mostly to clean the house.
· To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
· He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
· Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
· God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?
· We're related.
· God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mum?
· My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
· I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
· They say she used to be nice.
Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
· My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot.
· She got too old to do anything else with him.
· My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
· Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
· Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
· I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between mums and dads?
· Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
· Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
· Dads are taller and stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cos that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
· Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mum do in her spare time?
· Mothers don't do spare time.
· To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mum perfect?
· On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
· Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?
· She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
· I'd make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it, not me.
· I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
Tailpiece
A DAD SUDDENLY remembers it's his daughter's birthday. He goes into a toyshop and asks the salesgirl: "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"
"Which do you mean, sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for R59.95; Shopping Barbie for R59.95:, Beach Barbie for R59.95: Disco Barbie for R59.95; Ballerina Barbie for R59.95; Astronaut Barbie for R59.95; Skater Barbie for R59.95 and Divorced Barbie for R999.95"
"Why that huge price difference for Divorced Barbie.?"
She rolls her eyes and sighs: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends and a key chain made with Ken's Genitalia."
Last word
What happens when the future has come and gone?
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