The race is on
IT'S A PITY we're preoccupied with the July Handicap. Another race that has everyone absolutely on the edge of their chairs is the one for the chairmanship of the African Union Commission.
Home Affairs Minister Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma is a front-runner according to the tic-tac men in Addis Ababa, but the race is still wide open. Will she, or will she not, beat current incumbent Jean Ping, of Gabon, in two weeks' time?
The Dlamini-Zuma stable is said to be in heavy training. The tension is unbearable. The bookies are cautious.
Perhaps we should start next week with Addis Ababa beans to predict the outcome.
Bonkers champs
WITH the London Olympics just around the corner, Guinness World Records has decided to recognise another group of sporting heroes.
A new Guinness e-book, Totally Bonkers Sporting Champions, showcases athletes such as New Zealander Veronica Torr, who did the 100m hurdles in 18.52 seconds, wearing underwater flippers; and Keinichi Ito from Japan, who did the 100m in 18.58 seconds, running on all fours.
A planned South African entry – politicians heading for the feeding trough – will be included in a later edition when electronic devices have been developed that are capable of measuring such velocities.
Elusive particle
SCIENTISTS at the Cern laboratory in Switzerland believe they might have at last discovered the elusive Higgs Boson – the "God particle" that apparently holds together the universe but self-destructs as you spot it.
This is most encouraging. Any day now they will get to grips with the age-old question as to how many angels can balance on the point of a needle.
Chocolate maths
HERE'S one of those infuriating mathematical tricks. How do you calculate age by chocolate? It goes like this:
Choose the number of times a week you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10 times). Multiply this number by 2. Add 5. Multiply by 50. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1762; if you haven't, add 1761. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born. You should be left with a three digit number.
The first digit of this is the number of times you want to have chocolate each week. The next two numbers are your age.
Dammit – this works! And apparently this year – 2012 – is the only one it will ever work. (It must have something to do with the Higgs Boson).
Tattoos
ONE in five British adults has a tattoo - and at least a third of those wish they hadn't, according to a survey.
How many of these are fellows with "I love Maisie" tattooed somewhere, while they've actually ended up with Dolly or Vera and a lifetime of reproaches? We aren't told.
Judging from the artwork on display in the Street Shelter for the Over-40s and similar establishments – especially among the gals – the rate of adornment out here is probably somewhat higher than in Britain. Some of these girls have dragons and butterflies and things crawling all over them.
Do they have regrets? That's not known. But when you see what started out as a delicate butterfly about the midriff but has become a porpoise, a wombat or a hump-backed whale with the advancing years, you do wonder.
But they probably do repel the evil spirits.
Barbie
APPROPOS the recent Tailpiece on Divorced Barbie, Devlyn Fraser, of Umkomaas, says there's a low-priced Barbie doll on the market for only R9.99.
"This one has a few old clothes, no job, no house, no car, no money and almost no hope - she is 'Zimbarbie'".
Not on show
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-40s: "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any."
More Bosman
STAND by for more in the Herman Charles Bosman idiom. Spyker Koekemoer (aka Pat Smythe) takes the floor again at St Clement's on Monday for a satirical review of what's going on in South Africa 2012.
This weekly soiree, where quirkiness in the arts mingles with excellence in the wines, gets better and better.
Tailpiece
Last word
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
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