The Idler, Thursday, June 21, 2012

Your passport please

NIK WALLENDRA, a member of a famous American family of daredevils – the Flying Wallendras – walked on a tightrope across the Niagra Falls the other day, in spite of wind and heavy spray.

The walk of 550m on a 51mm wire stretched 46m above the falls was the first such stunt to have been allowed by the American and Canadian authorities in more than a century.

In his pocket Wallendra had his passport, which he had to present to the Canadian authorities as he stepped off the wire.

Just as well it was in order. Otherwise they'd have made him walk back again.

Early call

A REPORT from the circulation department of this newspaper group. An elderly lady phoned in, most irate.

"My Sunday Tribune hasn't been delivered. What's going on?"

"But ma'am, it's Saturday. The Tribune gets delivered only on Sunday."

A pause.

"Well, blow me down! Maybe that explains why there was nobody at church either."

A natural

A CHINESE motorist has been sentenced to a year in jail for driving off from a toll booth with a police officer clinging to the bonnet of his car.

It happened at Xuancheng City, in the east of the country. The driver had been made to pull over because his car had no licence plates. As a police officer approached, the driver accelerated and the cop had to jump to avoid being run over. He clung to the bonnet of the car for 200m until a passing SUV blocked off the highway. Then the miscreant was arrested.

It turned out he had no driver's licence and had removed the number plates to avoid being identified.

When he's served his time he should come out here. He's a natural for the local taxis.

Backpacker

THERE was a jolly swagman … Australian Keith Wright is off on a backpacking tour of  Spain, France, Germany, Austria and Britain. But what makes the Queenslander different from the rest of the backpackers he meets up with in the hostels and bars of the 23 countries he has visited in the past 10 years is that he's 95.

He took up backpacking at the age of 85 after his wife died. He spurns genteel coach tours or cruises. "If you are independent and a bit adventurous it is the best way of doing it."

Says travel agent Linda Chugg: "Keith is off travelling the world, hanging out with people younger than me in bars and nightclubs, dancing the night away."

Hey, maybe this is the old geezer who pinched my sheila in the Overseas Visitors' Club in Earl's Court that time.

 

Bearish business

BLACK bears have counting abilities, scientists have established. Dr Jennifer Vonk, of Oakland, California, has supervised an experiment in which three American black bears have been rewarded with food for correctly counting the number of dots on a touch screen.

They have scored well, comparably with a chimpanzee which Ms Vonk also puts through his paces with a touch screen.

Bean-counting with black bears and a chimpanzee – some people do have interesting careers.

I wonder if investment analyst Dr James Greener has anything to say about this? His predictions are generally of a bearish disposition.

Snooper pens

BOLIVIAN customs officers will have to carry special pens, with a hidden micro-camera and voice recorder, as part of an initiative against corruption. They will record everything said and done while on duty.

Hey, what a great idea! Don't we have a bit of a corruption problem in this country?

But alas – you can never find a pen in a government department. They all get pinched.

 

RAF days

 

ALLAN Goodman, aged 89, encountered a chap the same age recently, shopping with his son at Musgrave Centre. To their mutual astonishment they were not just the same age, they had both served as Spitfire pilots during World War II, seconded to the Royal Air Force. They swapped squadron numbers but not names or contact numbers. Allan would like to put that right if his fellow-veteran would phone 031-2016098.

 

Tailpiece

A DOCTOR is examining a patient and finds his ears stuffed with money.  He takes it out and counts it.

"You've got R1 950 here."

"That sounds about right, Doc. I told you I wasn't feeling two grand."

Last word

I can forgive Alfred Nobel for inventing dynamite but only a fiend in human form could invent the Nobel Prize. – George Bernard Shaw