ALL-OUT warfare … blood in the streets … desperate struggle … no holds barred … all or nothing …
No, this is not the Middle East or some Latin American hellhole, it's the Conservative Party conference in Birmingham, England, where Prime Minister Theresa May hangs on grimly against a revolt engineered by Boris Johnson and the clock ticks away toward a chaotic exit from the world's largest and most sophisticated trading bloc.
The wonder is that it's totally self-inflicted. Will the House of Commons come to the rescue at the 11th hour? Will the voters of Britain ever forgive the Tories when the true cost of leaving the EU becomes apparent? Will they ever forgive Labour for sitting on the fence?
Will the next generation spend its time trying to get back into the EU? Would the pound sterling survive that negotiation? Would the Brits end up driving on the right side of the road?
Crazy times, crazy stuff, crazy people.
ONE of the more memorable moments of recent days was President Donald Trump raising laughter in the UN General Assembly as he told delegates his was very probably the most successful administration ever in the US.
He later insisted that the delegates were laughing with him, not at him. He is supported by the New Yorker.
"Calling his speech to the UN General Assembly 'an unbelievable success,' Donald Trump bragged that he 'got much bigger laughs than Obama.'
"'When Obama spoke at the UN, he did not get a single laugh -not one,' Trump told reporters. 'I feel sorry for the people who had to sit through his speeches. They weren't funny at all.'
"'I had them rolling in the aisles,' he said. 'Once I started hearing those big laughs, I thought poor li'l Obama, he's going to be so jealous.'"
Yes, this is satirist Andy Borowitz again. You're not allowed to laugh.
JOSHUA Mason, of Texas, wanted a scenic and isolated spot where he could pop the question to his gal, Katie Davis. So they hiked up Jasper Peak, in Colorado.
At an altitude of 1 000m, it could not have been more scenic, more isolated, according to Sky News.
Joshua popped the question. Katie accepted. Background violins as they made their way back, head-over-heels in love.
Then it got dark. They got lost. A camping party took them in. The lovebirds were showing signs of altitude sickness so the campers contacted the Boulder County sheriff's office.
A rescue party got there at 4.30 am and took them off the mountain.
All that bother in just popping the question. Wait for marriage, Joshua, that's when the game really gets rough.
HE TAKES his seat on the aircraft for an international flight. A gorgeous blonde is coming down the aisle. She takes the seat beside him.
To break the ice, he says: "Travelling on business or pleasure?"
"Business," she says. "I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs' Convention in Paris."
"What's your role there?"
"I deliver a lecture: 'Lovers and their national attributes.'"
"That sounds interesting."
"It is. Did you know, for instance, that the best-endowed males are Native Americans. The most romantic are Indians. The best all-rounders are Afrikaners. What's your name, by the way?"
"Running Bear," he says. "Running Bear Naidoo. But my friends call me Frikkie."
The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.